Kahenya

Introducing Yoghurt Ver 3.0 at iHub Launch in Nairobi, Kenya on...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 18:47:16 +0300

Introducing Yoghurt Ver 3.0 at iHub Launch in Nairobi, Kenya on 3/4/2010

iHub

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:21:08 +0300

I don’t even know where to start. Congratulations to Erik and his team for the coolness of iHub, great meeting Jon Gosier and a bunch of other people and the food was awesome, the yoghurt even better and stuff.

I hope to see a lot more people at iHub utilizing it and making the best of this grand opportunity. Thanks to Kenyanpoet whose pics I ripped.

Kahenya

Fruitless Tree

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 20:41:52 +0300

The other day, I agreed to withdraw from Zain modems after Zain decided that the service does not work. What is worse, I spent more time on the phone with Zain with them LYING to me that they have 99% uptime. Kiss my LIMURU MANUFACTURED DONKEY!!! To begin with Kencell/Celtel/Zain/Bharti is a joke. They have never really committed to it, so its a wonder they expect it to work.

Mobile Landscape 2010 Wishlist

1. Kencell/Celtel/Zain/Bharti fire and imprison Rene Meaza and the ENTIRE board of directors and all the staff including the security guards and bring committed people who are less concerned about publicity appearances and are brave to take on risks. ~~While in prison, Rene discovers he has been truly confused about his sexuality and marries Bishop Margaret.~~

2. Orange ~~fires everyone and~~ rebrands as Orange, but only this time, they have smart and less greedy people. Honestly, the Frenchies are just greedy and I wonder if they are helping much here.

3. Safaricom ~~exorcises~~ fires Peter Arina or moves him to work as a customer services officer, because he lies too much, Michael Joseph finds Jesus through Martha Karua’s BF and gets saved, drops the arrogance and then gracefully bows out and brings in Bitange Ndemo as the CEO. Lets cut the charades here and just be honest. That is what he would rather be doing. Ndemo later declares that he has advised the Electoral Commission that it would be cheaper and more secure into using the list of registered users in Safaricom as the official voters roll, meaning that Pius Muiru wins the 2012 election ~~with Esther Arunga as PM and VP since Muiru is the real fingers.~~

4. Yu is acquried by Kencell/Celtel/Zain/Bharti and their 3000 customers finally give Zain a true 1,000,000 customers. Their 1,000,000th customer is Rene Meaza who finally admits he had a Safaricom line all this time.

5. Paul Kukubo becomes the Director General at the CCK replacing Mr Waweru. Kukubo thus gaining a 5% chance of relevance once again in the tech scene since he is adamant about changing the landscape. He regulates all mobile providers into using Safaricom green for their marketing and corporate colours and further mandates that all other networks must sell 10 Safaricom sim cards to sell one of their own. ~~For Christmas, gava suffers a scandal and losses 100k shillings of donor money, diverts the funds, and buys him a half a front tooth to give him a full set.~~

6. Kibaki remembers ~~he is a man, and a President and~~ that sometime this year, we have number portability coming up and to save himself the agony of coming out of bed, hustles Waweru into effecting, thus changing the landscape of mobility permanently. ~~Ofcourse Kibaki could cut off his head and walk around like a headless chicken and the government might actually perform better. Who knows.~~

7. Raila ~~expels~~ suspends himself from government. Even from a roof with a rope could work. I don’t know why, but this would make my phone work better, I just know it. Maybe its the hair dye.

8. A 100% Kenyan owned non government organization made up of under 40 year old nerds, geeks, business peoples and hot chicks are granted a 3G licence to launch their own local mobile network without outside investors financed by local money. The network has fixed everything, makes sense and works. To show that we can do it.

9. Government get serious, fires Vodafone and buys them out and sells Safaricom to ~~the Somali Pirates,~~ Daniel Toroitich Arap Moi, Nicholas Biwott, George Saitoti and Brother Paul Pattni. Chairman of the board is Ferdinand Waititu who is given an glass office as official professional help for throwing stones. Safaricom them moves office to Embakasi to cut down costs and forces JKIA to relocate to Athi River since they obscure Waititu’s view of the National Park. Waititu later declares that all residents of his constituency use Safaricom, bringing the subscriber base to 1 billion people.

10. I have just one day of peace where my phone works perfectly. Just one.

Website Editor Wanted

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 13:33:07 +0300

Are you a student or someone looking for some part time work, endowed with eloquence of the tongue, know how to spot another purple cow, and can play the fiddle with you toes, basically, are you tech savvy and well written? We are looking for a website editor who can edit and rewrite articles for a small upcoming website. We have been asked by the client to generate a list of finalists. This is a part time job of about 4 - 5 hours a day, and not a full time role. Details of remuneration will be discussed with the site owners (I swear its not my site). We are only managing the CV end of things.

Email your CV to kahenya (a) gmail (dot) com by 26th Feb 2009 including a cover letter saying why you think you should get the job.

The Linux Foundation Video Site:: Linux AD - What does it...

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:20:52 +0300

The Linux Foundation Video Site:: Linux AD - What does it mean?

I am Linux 100% even though I had a Windows 7 machine at Mobile Web East Africa. And this is the best description of freedom.

Broadband Mess (The Remix)

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 11:13:48 +0300

Original Article Here

Article On Daily Nation Website and on my Pro Blog

Wait for a cut down version (part 2) in Africa Review.

In a country desperate for more investment in new ventures, where majority of populations live in dire poverty, emerging technologies are some of the best ways to empower people into reinvesting in their lives, into their futures, giving them hope and direction. New technologies usually tend to be cheaper and create a lot more value and ability in ones hands. So you would imagine those entrusted with leading the country would be enablers in this aspect. Sadly not. Behind the smiles and suits is a sad mendacity. Portrayed in all caveats of government. However, the immediate concern, media and communication. Hereby entrusted to the Ministry of Information. Permanent Secretary here, Bitange Ndemo. The second aspect is that the regulation of Communication and Broadcasting is managed by The Communication Commission Of Kenya (CCK). The Director General is Charles Njoroge. And finally there is Safaricom. Run by Michael Joseph.

These three proponents have decided the fate of the future of mobile broadband in Kenya and sadly, consumers do not have any say in this matter or even any foreseeable benefit into the future, but only take what is dished out to them, no matter how unfair it is. In a country desperate for advances in technology and infrastructure, we find the government is the greatest and sometimes only hindrance to development. By poor regulatory frameworks and advice and the ever missing funds issue. And one can almost imagine why. First, we have a bloated government, which the country obviously cannot afford to keep running, so the government has to tap into each and every cash cow they have and bleed it dry. Legal or not. And while they are at it, gag the media. The assumption, if no-one talks about it, it did not happen. Woe unto Kenyans. The same Kenyans who will complain about not being able to get a half working mobile service. Here is a good example. If you have been on a call on Safaricom, and the call drops, CCK is supposed to respond to this issue and tell Safaricom to pick up the quality of their service. How many dropped calls have you had this year? And last year? What has changed? And here is more practical example. If you are a prepaid customer on Safaricom, have you tried calling the helpline? 100? Do you know why you don’t get through? Where is the CCK in all this? Instead of worrying about the consumer, they are busy censoring the “big bad evil” media. Agreed, the media is not made up of Saints, but don’t fool yourself into thinking the government is proverbial Host Angel. After all, the government does have a lot of skeletons in its closet, and sometimes some Ministers will pray that the media doesn’t find them.

So let us stick to the main point. The main focus here is Mobile Broadband. I don’t think the hard stance taken by the CCK and PS Bitange Ndemo is beneficial for Kenyans. Its serves no real benefit to the common citizen. Who it is intended for. Instead of rapidly adopting the technologies to meet certain goals, like Vision 2030, or X% of Internet connectivity by a certain period in a specific region, the government decides not to look at creative solutions and ignore any targets. Well creative for their pockets. Not ours. But if you were the government and you had a shareholding in Safaricom, would you want to make it easy for your competitors? The CCK has not done a single thing in ensuring Safaricom delivers quality services. Despite their numerous announcements on quality issues, Safaricom still has numerous numbers of calls dropped, and still has the most impossible to reach Customer Service Department I have experienced anywhere in the world. Far worse than the knowledge deprived staffers at Orange who can incidentally solve every problem you don’t have. The CCK (an arm of the government), regulating communication, in which it has a company in there? Then abuse this system, and blame the media saying that they cannot regulate themselves. Conundrum? Conundrum!

I was criticized heavily yesterday, but you need to look behind the smoke screen and start asking yourself what the numbers add up to. If Bitange Ndemo is as progressive as some people say he is, what possible reason and excuse can he come up with on why he would refuse to take and create an alternative solution for the other service providers? If Safaricom is so up to its game, then it should be able to withstand and beat the competitors hands down on 3G or any other services. But they can’t. So, any competitive threat, like number portability, is not really welcome. Michael Joseph said he though portability would be too expensive to implement. So? I don’t recall him being the CEO or spokesman for the CCK. Fair point. It might be expensive. But it benefits Kenyans not Safaricom, so the only say he had on that one, was, that he hopes it is implemented well. If other countries have done it, I don’t see what is so special about the landscape in Kenya that makes is so expensive or impossible. And coming from a recession, I can imagine raising US$ 25 million would be tough, especially to venture in a competitive market (in appearance) which is ideally a monopolistic one. And since the Prime Minister has made all claims that he is so close and at one time even related to US President Barack Obama, with similar leadership traits and what not, I hope he realises that the Obama Administration put in the same situation might create a slightly different solution that stimulates the economy and benefits the citizens. But, he is much rather busy looking at 2012, guised behind trees and ODM.

Kenyans, wake up. There are no rehearsals here. There is no-one coming to help you except you. Definitely not your politicians. This is a 3rd World Country. In a very 3rd World Africa. You live in a 3rd World country. You are amongst the poorest of the poorest. You need to apply for a visa (and pray you get it) for you to leave the 3rd World and be a part of the future you think you see rolling down in sleek Toyota Corolla Dream 90 inherited from a relative who couldn’t sell it. Your leaders are robbing you blind and silly. There is no room in this country or continent for monopolistic regulations. And there is no time. We need to get up and start developing our country to benefit us. Not the government. The government does not care about you. The care about themselves. They are enriching themselves. Not you.

“Forward” by His Excellency The Former President of...

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 11:26:00 +0300

“Forward” by His Excellency The Former President of Kenya, Daniel Toroitich Arap Moi, and echoed by chepkwonyr, ”Ukiona shimo, panda mti” (very ironic huh)

First if all, sorry about the delay of this post. The health and the job got in the way, should have been smarter than to have this one pending in December. :(

Thank you for everyone who swore or smiled for a tree (#swearforatree and #smileforatree campaign). We are in the final leg on this one. ~~You will have sworn in vain but not smiled in vain.~~

The real objective

We wanted to raise enough money to buy indigenous trees to plant anywhere in Kenya. I am thoroughly disappointed in the fact that there are wannabee do-gooders who are busy hanging around Nakumatts frequented by foreigners and rich folk to try trick them into forking out 10 shs to by foreign seedlings that have no real use in the local arena. Yes, some are good and useful but most end up drying up all the resources if the surrounding environment.

The Flaw in the plan

While I was busy working on getting this to work, the ~~gorilla/chimpanzee/Peter~~ lion kissing chick mentioned that we were not entirely up to scratch with this plan. I disagreed strongly until she pointed my rear end to the pointy end of the ~~gorilla/chimpanzee/Peter~~ lion she had been making out with and had me screaming excrement before I decided to ~~drink some more beer and fake a solution~~ do some more research on this topic. And she was right. She wrote about it somewhere on her blog and pointed out where we were going wrong. ~~Plus the fact that she was not a cow or was glad that she did not own a cow. Not sure which one she meant. ;)~~ Planting trees is not the full solution. Its like copping a generous plea bargain, where you did the crime, don’t want to do the full time. Which is what Africans like doing. The easy what out or what appears to be the easy way out.

We are poisoning our planet with cars, planes, and all sorts of unnecessary rubbish, but worse than that, we are profiteering from cutting down trees. We are killing our last chance of survival. When you cut down a tree, you reduce the chances of the planet recovering by that much. And worse still, planting a tree does not mean that its immediate recovery, it can take up to 50 years before we get that full tree back. And look at how many we cut down. Decimated Mau, planning for the Aberdare ranges and Ngong forest and probably whatever other collection of trees exist in this country. And across the world. Look at the Amazon. It did not need a highway.

The new plan.

We need to take a two pronged a approach to this. I still believe we need to plant trees but we also need to conserve what we have already have. So the plan is simple. ~~The non-Gema dude (we can’t trust this Kikuyu’s with cash)~~ Banks is the finance manager on this one, unless he objects. I believe it is a better plan if we contribute a 1000 shs ~~(we also accept all the cash in your bank account too)~~. 500 shs goes to buying 10 indigineous trees and the remaining 500 shs goes to the best tree huggery conservation organisation that Paula recommends. This should help them fence and do whatever other conservation plans they have and we will have acted not just in defence but we will have taken offence. All monies will be pushed by MPesa. If you don’t have MPesa, well, find someone who has MPesa. ~~We don’t accept credit cards cause you can’t swipe it across the lions crack.~~ Hoping this is a better plan, we should be able to execute everything by mid February, ofcourse after Valentines. This plan can be ammended an is an open post so feel free to comment, shout at me if you think we are wasting your time or if you think we can improve this plan. Its a simple straight forward thing and if you feel you can do more, all the help is welcome.

Again, sorry about the delays on this and hopefully this time round we get to fulfill.

Kahenya

NB: The Amarula cuttings did not work. We are now going to try seeds next month or April.

Top 10 reasons to smoke weed

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 13:53:13 +0300

Original Publish Date: Nov 25rh 2009 2.24 PM (Damn I’m late)

“And I been getting high just to balance out the lows” - Drake

Disclaimer: No sense of humour, go fuck yourself. I am not asking you to participate or indulge in anything that will get you nicked, but if you do get nicked, shut the fuck up. Kids, don’t try this shit at home. Adults, don’t try this at home either. You got kids and they will know you know how to get high. Girls, don’t try this at your home. Try it in my home.

1. You get high - Errr no brainer. And this is the best fucking thing to do errr short of fucking. Now combine getting high and getting ass, you have a wonderful fucking time

2. Sex is better on weed - Trust me, you will not be able to ever convince a stone sober or drunk chick to do half the shit you do when you are on weed. Serious. Everything just seems so magnified and calm.

3. Cause Bob Marley said so - And he sang like a couple of thao tracks regarding this shit and you think I would say no to wisdom?

4. Its cheap - Return on your investment in weed is much much higher than on alcohol. Check this out, you drink 10 beers at the average 120 bob per beer and you have to wait 3 hours average to get drunk. Thats a cool 1200.00 bob and many of us are known to bed a crate easy. Now if you smoke 1200.00 bob worth of weed in one sitting you will go mad (a common side effect that we will ignore in this demonstration). A good weedy evening ends up costing around 200 bob for you and a friend.

5. Its a great way to meet people - Serious, weed friends always make an impression on your life. And remember that saying, “a friend with weed is a friend indeed”? Like the dealer, you cannot forget his face, he owns your life in 12cm. You are his bitch. Bend over and take it. The cop who nicks you, he owns your life in two bracelets. You get to meet people who will influence your life’s decisions forever. And ever.

6. Treehuggers love you - This is not a myth. All the treehuggers I know are stoners well, maybe except the lion kisser (link withheld), and all treehuggers are hot and athletic. 1 + 1 = 2, so yes, u can easily get a treehugger girlfriend or boyfriend, and if you are a stoner and he/she wil most likely be a stoner.

7. You are die-proof - Yup, you cannot die from smoking weed. You cannot OD. You haven’t heard anyone dying of smoking weed? Well, you can die from being stupid and weed makes you stupid, both short term and long term. Short term, you jump of a bridge assuming you are superman. Long term, the brain cells burn out slowly and by the time you are 900, you are senile like a maafaka. But its cool. By the time you hit 70, you will probably be on so many drugs, you will be burning the same amount of brain cells anyway, so you might want to take the scenic route.

8. You have very funny friends - I live in a house with a gecko and occasionally get some ass to come and play with the gecko and me. When the ass plays with the weed, the gecko turns into a dinosaur and sounds like George Bush wearing Osama’s turban. Occasionally, Gandhi and Pope John Paul II visit from the afterlife and well, with surprising effects. Unlike the standards if weed mellowing you out, Gandhi has become very aggressive, has dreadlocks and is dating Marilyn Monroe. John Paul II hasn’t changed much, except he swears a lot. A serious lot.

Since weedheads procrastinate, I did not quite get to finish this post. I started writing it on November 25th. Sad. Since I don’t swear anymore, I won’t finish this post.

...

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 12:33:28 +0300

nashipaic:

There comes a time in your life when you realize WHO matters,

WHO never did, WHO won’t anymore and WHO always will…

Do not worry about the people in past..there is a reason why they did not make it to your future…

Wishing you all a good 2010. More posts from me this time round

Lakeside Trilogy

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 23:22:21 +0300

Maybe this might be tribalistic, I don’t know but I believe that if you come from a certain local region, it only makes sene to invest in your local community before anywhere else. If all you see in this post with is tribalism, well, tough. As far as I know, Luos are fish experts, Maasai and Samburu deal with cows and goats, Indians and Kikuyus are shrewd business men, Mombasa guys are tourism experts blah blah blah…

I heard a tale of two men who won a million shillings (arbitrary figure). The one man was a Kikuyu and the other a Luo. The Luo man went and built a house bought the latest electronics and lived like a king for 5 years. Then the money run out and he was left selling his property one by once. The Kikuyu man spent each and every year trying to figure out how to double the amount of money.

There is a very funny triangle going on in Nyanza province that I believe Luos can solve locally. I have met quite a lot of Luo folks asking me what they can invest in and which stock the should buy and what tech businesses they put their money in. Now to be honest, since Obama became President, some Luo folk became his cousin and others automatically and unrealistically raised their level of living. Obama himself might be rudely surprised to find a cousin of his earning less than 10k driving a Merc. So they won’t do any dirty work. In a Skunkworks talk I gave last year, I mentioned that a lot of people did not want to do dirty jobs. Everyone wants to be tech this and tech that but not a fisherman. Well there is a lot of money in lakeside fish but the originals from lakeside have let the Indians and Kikuyu carve the market up from them. The problem is not with the supply of fish. Its with the storage. If you want to make money from fish, all you need is a cold room. Thats where the money is. Fish will always be in the lake. Customers will always want fish. The transition is the problem. Now most cold rooms in Kisumu are owned by Indians or Kikuyus and I am yet to find one that is owned by a lakeside original brother. And the other non-local individuals decide the prices because they know that the fishermen will not have choices but to deal with them.

You want to invest lakeside, forget building flats or hotels or electronic shops or supermarkets, invest in a cold room and undercut everyone else. You will kill it.

Broadband Kenya v0.0

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:52:20 +0300

I’m a bit tired but I had to write this one. My first weak post of the year.

In a country that is in dire need of investment technology wise, I find myself stoked that the factors hindering growth are actually policy related and not lack of innovators. There are many innovators willing to take the challenge of helping Kenya come out of the dark. One of my earliest conversations this year was with @otienoc and we were discussing the role of CCK and 3G and other providers.

1. The Zain situation with the CCK is mighty confusing. The East African recently reported that they have only applied but not paid. Zain insiders reported that they have paid and are testing. A couple of Senior Chairmen and CEOs I had the priviledge of meeting with in a closed session discussion, reported that they had. I’m confused about this issue. Every once in a while my Zain broadband knocks 3G and a couple of techies have told me that they have hit 3G before. Answer to this one, to be honest, I do not really know.

2. Orange and CCK? I have no clue. I’ll go with the East African Story on that one.

The reason we have no alternative provider is because the fee is set too high. But why? It all goes back to two individuals and a long term strategy by the government. Safaricom still dominates the market but not because of innovation. The President recently executed an order mandating that by end of January 2010 (?), number portability should be executed. Which translated by this two individuals means 2 years down the road. The Prime Minister instead of getting down to supervisory work will be busy flapping his gums about The Mau Forest and ODM and policies but not about what we are doing. Did you know that it is highly offensive to be writing anything negative about Michael Joseph in the Media? And lack of ability to criticise the Michael Joseph and Safaricom means we have poor service and we cannot complain about it. Sadly, he has been named CEO of the year in Kenya. A network that is struggling to meet daily objectives. The African Leadership cancer goes beyond government and into Corporates.

The reason we won’t have a new 3G service provider is because Bitange Ndemo, the Permanent Secretary in the Ministry of Information and Charles Njoroge, the Director General at the CCK prefer this not happen, or rather are not willing to look at alternative solutions to allowing other networks because Safaricom needs protection, to keep the money flowing in. Safaricom needs government protection. In the next two years, voice will be a dead business. It will all be data offerings, while we look at data calling etc.

The Alternatives

1. Zain, Yu and Orange negotiate a better rate for the license and then finance a debt repayment to cover the excess fee Safaricom paid (which I am yet to see) to more agreable values.

2. CCK keeps the same fee and work on a debt recovery management plan where the get percentages of incomes till the fee is covered, plus interest ofcourse. The license can be issued for free or at a deposit and I believe CCK would have recovered sums withing 5 years.

3. CCK refunds Safaricom the $25m and we forget 3G. That way, no-one has it and its an even playing field but everyone else is screwed.

While Zain is yet to recover from their egotistical management, which they have been plagued with, take over after take over, we can hope that someone figures out Rene Meaza is not the man for the job. Yu, well, they are special. We can’t ask them to count. Too many porkies, this Yu. Too many. Orange, the beast that Safaricom is worried about. Funny, Orange is just about to get it right, and the only reason 99% of the country is not with Orange, is because Orange is yet to discover Flat Billing on Data. Orange is the only company that does not need to be greedy and they will get all the customers. But the greed is showing. The French owners are still French, and they bite. And they are greedy. They need to ease up.

My point is, we need to isolate and openly ignore Bitange Ndemo who we openly allow into our fold. Inviting him into Skunkworks Meetings and conferences and other meet ups need to stop. He needs to get the the hint. I find it sad that we allow the same person who is ruining tech in Kenya to come in. I find it sad that we, the tech community have not stood up as one and said enough. But we are Kenyans, the only things we know to unite around usually revolve around entertainment and even then, not for long. We have no common goals or agendas to developing tech in Kenya, we have united common wishes and ideologies, but we are not really out there turning wishes into goals. As for Charles Njoroge, well, I guess I’m glad I don’t run into him. I might say some unhappy words. I hate the fact that my job is now spending more time dealing with politics and struggling to connections to work than working on the main projects. 80% of my productive time is wasted because of these two individuals and I am getting fed up with losing ideas and time cause of crap. So lets boycott this two individuals.

Never Forget

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 23:37:21 +0300

The Compiler has been sure good to us, been a good life so I say thanks. Things I can’t forget.

I grew up well, early years real poor, but time goes and bad shit happens all the time. We grew up eating two types of meals on a daily basis for many years. On a bad day, we ate githeri. On a good day we ate ugali and the chaser was well sukumawiki or cabbages. Every single fucking day. So understand me, where I come from, when I struggle to get paid, and someone comes between me and mine, I’m doing the time, cause its going to be a crime.

A play date for us involved herding cows and the height of the year was when my grandfather took us to the cattle dip to watch the cattle get treated. That was the only time we ever got to see so much water in one place outside of a bucket. Then we got another car, we got tires, minus the rim and add water and sticks, and you were the shit right there. Grandpa shed the wisdom underneath the sun, and like the raindrops, it got soaked into us like the torn shorts sponged up the storm. I became him, not just in name.

We ate chapos once a year, for Easter, cause my cucu made them and everyone got first half a chapo and later, one chapo, so understand this, till today, I got a weakness for them things. Then ‘84 drought passed and we ate chapos twice a year, Easter and Christmas, then it became one of those where we dished them on holidays. We lived it then. We live it now. Just see chapos a whole lot more often.

We couldn’t afford to have pets cause we couldn’t afford to feed them. And honestly, which normal dog do you think would be happy eating githeri leftovers everyday? And we ate everything, so the dog might live on licking the sufuria? Later we got cats, then my dad made them “go away permanently” when they stopped appreciating githeri every day and instead started appreciating making kittens more. ~~RIP kitties, but dad was taking care of the home team first.~~ Now Winter is choosy about what shit he eats, does not eat boiled meat. WTF?

Then we moved, moved on, grew up, started carrying bread for break to school, dad made us go to a school in Nairobi, we were the shit then, then we got the 505 with the sunroof, and u know right there shit was tight, everyone in ocha wanted to see this, we went to Mombasa by plane on our first holiday, saw our first white people, came back and shit was on. I am still amazed by the sea and would like to live next to it someday. I’m working real hard on that master plan.

School introduced me to my first computer, which had 8 keys, then Unix, then Windows 1 and then dad brought up the first PC, an IBM 486 DX2 100 and I wrote my first program, a boot sector virus in Basic and next thing you know, I’m fucking with Cobol and Fortran, then DBASE and Pascal and I was the big shit right there. Back then computers wasn’t nothing, there was no money in them, now, we are trying to make a billion off the keys.

Then we chased skirt, fell in love, told wonderful lies of how we would always be together, wish I knew how fast ass moves along, and the first new ass became the last bad ass, we were writing silly letters and fake ass poems about how the next time would be the best time, and how babies would never come, so they lay with us, and we pretended to pull it out, thank God they invented rubbers, cause a nigger came short of having a million baby mothers, or a million other worse things that could happen. Like the vision of the future, the two princess are a minute away and I know for a second that……..

The rest is a story I tell when I get high or drunk.

Dear Compiler, you have seen me through a lot this year, a couple of forced vacations, uncertain futures, I lost her, got girls, lost them, made new friends, lost old ones, got a whole shit load of enemies, and I fucking dare them to come up against me, a lot of things You give me I waste, or take for granted, and forget to say thank you, but here we are, and I say for this one, thanks. I promise to appreciate more, swear less, and find her and make her wifey cause I know your inbox must be full of mum’s prayers. Thank you for everything. Thank you for giving us this day. Keep us from straying. Thank you for sending your Son to come take the load we created and still create, we should know better. Thank you.

Dusty Guide To (de)Grading Women

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 12:33:46 +0300

Who has better ass? We all have that friend (@king_rudy is my BFF) with who we grade everyone we do. A close close buddy, who knows your fears, sorrows, and fetishes. The one who hooks you up with someone when they think this is the right person for you. Kawaida, we have a scale of 1 - 10 of grading ass. We grade ass just like women grade dick. And fuck you if you have not graded dick in your life. You lied. So here is how I grade ass. And since you ask me, is my ass fat, or how do I look, maybe this is you.

~~Disclaimer, no sense of humour, go fuck yourself. This is kinda a weak post, so apologies, I’m just trying to get into the discipline of writing again, and had some shit to clear.~~

1. Beast.

You are a bunch of horrible ass. Fred Gumo would feel like feel Jason Dunford after he got off on top of you. Kinda of ass I want to be on top of or hit that from behind cause I can’t look at your scary ass. Compared to you, Lucy Kibaki is a Halle Berry. Your ass is the kind of ass that if I get to hit, I kinda ask myself, what the fuck was I thinking? The books on sexuality that daddy bought me, and mummy made me read and it said in one section, after having promiscuous premarital sex you will feel a sense of guilt and withdrawal and shame. Your ass makes me feel that way. Maybe they should use your photo as an illustration. Your ass is desperate to get ass ass. This is I was at the local in ocha, drank some changaa and took you home ass. Moustache ass, and I know, some women have their fair share of male hormones but why would you sport a moustache like Burt Reynolds?

2. Okay.

Some ass that I love getting on but I would not be seen in public with it. You might have had one too many spare ribs so u are way past being plus size, or maybe its that Joker Smile of yours, or the cockeyed thing going, you are actually ok in bed, you look ok behind closed doors, and in very dark rooms, infact you will look great, but you just don’t seem to make that effort to look so, or maybe you flunked makeup-ed in school cause they way you put on that make up, more like my “son” scribbling with crayons blindfolded. You are not a jump off, wait you are, and I would want to keep you long enough till the next piece of ass comes along, but there you go on again with some silly shit that makes me now even want to look at you. You barely dress ok, puts on some really fucked up make up. I did not know there was a brand of makeup called Oriblame, but that’s you. I mean you are ok. Some days you scare me with psycho tendencies though, always coming over to mine every second fucking day, assuming that fucking me all the time will get me to tell you that I love you. Baby, I’m love proof when it comes to you. I know breaking up with you eventually will end up with the GSU being involved. I did not lie to you. You just believed what I told you.

3. Cute.

You are cute in a funny smurf kinda way. You kinda have a brain, but you live it at home and well, face it, you have more fun without it and that’s as far as it goes. And you never need your brain. Ever. Except to store your ATM Pin number. That’s it. When you do use your brain, eventually, and do some make up on your ass, you look fantastic. But you are a bad ass attitude full of drama, man hating bitchy type person. Who is cute. And when we are going to Mombasa, I know you will look great with your pink bikini and stuff, and would never ever look bad, irregardless of how much weight you put on. My friends all want to get on you, but that’s just as far as it goes. However, that’s as far as being with you is going. Our relationship is actually termed as a long term fuck. Introduce me as him, whoever the fuck him is, provided I get to hit that. Ofcourse, there are times when I get tired of your dramatic ass, like when you want me to meet your cucu. Its cool, but shit, this isn’t one of those. And I don’t get why you are acting surprised that its over. And I know you can’t cook, or clean or make a bed to save your life, but I sure as hell dig being inside your ass. So lets work on your strengths and forget that you can do anything else except moan, and certain days scream, not sure if its out of anger or attitude. You are the one Chris Rock talked about, you know the one who when my ex introduced me to you, you went out and got me. And nearly cut that bitches throat twice. Fair play. She was cute, just like you. ~~Now here, take this money and go pay your rent my dear.~~

4. Real Cute.

You now are the kind of chick I will stop drinking beer for, for maybe a month or a year even, that ass, just shaped right. Perkies, perfect. Great smile, great legs, great family, etc etc. I want to have a thing with you and if you are normal enough by the end of two years, no psycho drama, I’m wifeying you, loading you up with a baby, buying you a new used Harrier from Japan direct and asking Jimmy at the petrol station to change the logos and put Lexus ones, just so you know, I love you. You are real cute, I will wait atleast 2 years before I get a clande, just because you are all that. It irks me sometimes to see you with a cigarette and a beer dancing on the table at Black Diamond, but its just a phase. Right??? And besides, it irks you when me you and Rudy weed and have a threesome. But these are non issues and I know, if I do better than you in my life, it will be in hell and Halle Berry will be begging to be with me forever. Or she will be Hot as balls.

5. Hot as balls.

I know I did not have game, but I have lied every single lie known to man to get your ass. Every fucking person including Halle Berry’s whack ass boyfriend wants you. You have no idea how many TV and Radio Interviews and articles in the East African I had to drop just to get your ass. I know I need to buy you a new Range Rover sport every 6 months just to keep you with me, not that you are a gold digger, but you are used to the finer things in life. When you fart, Dear Lord, Glade should just tap you ass and make a whole new range of air infusers cause baby you have it. I can’t get a clande. No, you are perfect. We don’t fuck, or have sex, we don’t even make love, fuck that, u just put on that nighty and I jerk off real hard for two minutes, cause I am not touching your silky sexy ass, with my hard core Mandingo. No sir. In this relationship, we do the deed twice, to get two kids. Afterwards, I just observe and masturbate. You are the kind of girl Chris Rock talks about. I introduce you to my niggas and they say, nice girl, i need someone just like her. Now look at your beautiful self balancing my cheque book while making me smile. Take all the money. All of it. I don’t care.

Q & A

“Jana I hit this beast and I just remembered that I didn’t use a condom. Should I get tested?”

Don’t bother, buy a fucking coffin you dead motherfucker.

“I’m tired of fucking ok girls. Should I bone prostitutes to improve my game?” (@kimut1986 pay attention here)

Depends. To increase quantity, you drop quality and vice versa. So figure out how long you can go masturbating.

“I was this hot as balls girl and she told me that she wouldn’t have sex with me if I was the last guy on earth. Then she threw her drink on me. What’s a good line that I could have come back with?”

Bitch!!!

You already lost out so you can swear at her and blame the alcohol she threw at you for the mess.

If this scale falls then I have another one waiting in the wings. It’s called “Pick or shut the fuck up.”

Vacancies across the Al Shaabab (Pirate/Birate)Group (Via Mailbox from Cindy)

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 09:33:10 +0300

Ransom Acquisition Manager

Basic Purpose:

Responsible for generating and maximizing revenue through hijacking and seizing in an assigned area or territory. Develops strong relationships with these accounts to ensure maximum revenues and emerging requirements. Maintains knowledge of and reports on new developments in the marketplace with regards to accounts and prospects. Maintains regular contact

Main Duties & Responsibilities:

Performs pirating activities for an assigned geographical area to achieve or exceed assigned revenue objectives:

· Maintains shipping records and prepares hijacking reports as required

· Develops action plans aimed at achieving ransom and revenue targets in consultation with the Mogadishu sector Manager.

Maintains knowledge of and reports on new developments in the marketplace with regards to accounts and prospects:

- Monitors competitor activity within the region and reports with recommendations for action

- Carries out surveys to set, analyze and uses outcomes together with other available market data to focus future pirating activities.

- Monitors and reports on competitor activities

- Determines ways to differentiate from competitors

Qualifications

- 2-5 years with University of Hard Knocks Degree in Hustling

- Able to work under high stress with short-term targets and objectives

- Gun literacy advanced usage of AK 47, Kalashnikov and Gunships will be an added advantage

- Able to operate in a Wariah driven organization

Competencies

- Ransom focussed

- Business awareness

- Excellent Miraa chewing skills

- Excellent presentation skills especially on live broadcast for effective ransom demand

Some Breakway pictures

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:34:59 +0300

Some Breakway pictures

Odin

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:06:15 +0300

Odin

This Person We're Going to Marry One Day (Via Mailbox)

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:56:27 +0300

This is an article written by diane franco… ladies here is the blunt truth

It’s really just me yelling into the electronic darkness again because I’m not really looking for an answer, I’m just talking to myself until I’m tired of listening to me. There are no answers here…and in this case I don’t think I’m even trying to find some. If I happen to step on a metaphorical toe, it might mean your mental feet aren’t where you thought they were.

Now this person we’re going to marry, we’re going to share with them our hopes and dreams, our fears and triumphs, our colds and upset stomachs. This person is going see us at our best and at our worst, we’re going to eat and get drunk with them, go to church and sin with them, talk for hours about life, bullshit and things we still want to do. They’re going to look out for us, we’re going to look out for them and the whole nine.

In other words they’ll have to be your friend. Your best friend.

And you’ll biblically know them too.

This is an epiphany. Can you see the light?

What this means is that most of us have to make a mental leap that we’re not prepared for, - we’ll have to combine friend and lover. And I know most of us aren’t ready for it, because I’ve recently heard the idea of sleeping with your friend as THE “fatal mistake” and other thinking along those lines. But the truth of it is, because so many in the past 20 years or so mentally have separated the images of both the divorce rates have skyrocketed.

There are some other mitigating factors - economic changes, loss of the stigma of divorce, etc, but the basic concept that happens even before you get to that point, is that the people getting married tend to love each other…but don’t actually like each other.

How can you love someone…but not like them?

Or rather…how can you sleep with someone and not like them?

A lot of men, and lately the women have joined in as well, think from below the waistline. They “fall” for the person that turns them on sexually. And overlook the bad qualities, the warning signs, the screaming facts that blare at them that this person, while cute and sexy (or handsome, etc), should be avoided at all costs. Or realistically, utilized as ONLY a quick …er…quickie. Okay maybe twice, but that’s it.

A young lady once described it to me as there are “men you like, men you love and men you lust after…and rarely if ever does a woman find them all in the same man.” I didn’t see the wisdom in that statement until recently.

But what happens in practice is that people try to work it out. Poor naive peoples. Although they share little beyond the bedroom, they attempt to make this “love” of sorts work because good sex makes the brain go sleepy time now. Marriage does not magically change who you are. But you try. You find out that you’re a day person, they’re a night person. You save, they spend. You believe in having a job, house, car…they hustle. You have an education, they have a hard time reading street signs like STOP and LANE ENDS. Lack of respect, humiliation, no support, disturbing habits, etc, but they’re just oh so fine naked and oiled up…aren’t they?

Which is good, or at least okay for a while. Until real bills and real problems show up. Or kids get involved. And then it gets messy. And ugly. And maybe you end up standing in a cornfield at three am holding a suitcase, a bag of chicken nuggets, a bible and small dog named “Chi Chi” wondering if that thing they do with their tongue really is worth all this. And you realize that maybe what you need is someone who understands you…like a friend. And whereas you can shape your sexual urges and desires to some extent, real life bends for no man or woman.

It would be great, heck even easier, if we could make the person we sleep with our friend. But since our mind wasn’t on anything of substance when we chose that person (no, the idea that they’re sexy doesn’t count as substance) and as most women will only grudgingly admit, finding someone you actually like and making friends is a hell of lot harder than picking someone to get naked with. Turning Mr. or Ms. Hey-you-good-morning into someone you can have a substantive conversation with takes mega millions winner luck and an act of God. It is a real head knocker.

In the course of the relationship - this lifetime relationship - you’ll be lovers, friends, business partners, roommates, confidantes…etc. Too many of us stop at the first item and think the rest…all of them ..will just fall into place.

Yeah. Right.

So what is my suggestion?

Think about it. Realistically they were on short time anyway, because things change once you find “the one”.
“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”

Diane Franco

What is social media - Interview by Larry Madowo with Mark...

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:02:17 +0300

What is social media - Interview by Larry Madowo with Mark Kaigwa and Kahenya Kamunyu

We have “invented” Morula (Amarula) trees in Kenya....

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 06:39:48 +0300

We have “invented” Morula (Amarula) trees in Kenya. We did them last night with my father as we kick start our tree initiative. Since Morula trees are not native to Kenya, we had to plant the cuttings in plastic bags which contained sandy soil mixed with charcoal. Charcoal seems to do something to trees positively so we put in a layer. In total, we have 5 new morulas planted.

So again, this is us officially kick starting our tree idea where we try get as many trees out to as many people as possible. And if anyone has an excuse, we are not even asking for money. Tree planting can be fun and if tree huggery is not ur thing, atleast you can get booze. So here we go. From Nov 1 - Nov 30th, we will get the trees and arrange for a tree planting tweetup in December before we go on break. Thank you everyone who is participating and swearing along.

P.S. Cause some people are feeling left out cause they dont swear, the words heck and flipping are now temporarily accepted in the tree lexicon and if you don’t want to think about a swear word, you can simple say I smiled for a tree. That way, everyone if involved.

Good luck everyone. And help us make Kenya greener. And for those of us who have contributed whole heartedly without reservation, God bless you.

Swear For A Tree

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 12:21:40 +0300

I’m not going to justify swearing (my first lie), but I swear a lot. Maybe one day I will change, but not today. So I am going to do this as my contribution to saving the Mau Forest and Kenya in the way I best know how~~, short of hacking a bank and stealing money and buying trees~~. First of all I republished the last Blog Post Censored (which was hard) @afromusing had to take a look over it cause I was not sure I had it bang on. That way, there is no excuses for anyone who dislikes my swearing, and I figure there are someone does not feel left out on this saga.

Now, here is the deal, me and @afromusing have come up with the idea of Swear For A Tree (I came up with the idea, @afromusing cringed but she loved the idea). The month of November, anyone who swears on twitter will be liable to buy a seedling from KEFRI and plant it somewhere. Every swear word is worth 10 shillings and the seedlings are worth 10 shillings a piece so yeah. I will arrange for the purchase and deliver the trees to a central place. This will be in December. There will be a tweetup and we will arrange for the trees to be planted. Some details we have to finalize are minute but will not affect the initial challenge.

So swear away, and don’t cheat. If you cheat, you donate an extra 10 trees per cheat. If you swear, come back to this link, which is now default on my twitter profile for the month of December, login into my blog (the comment part) and paste your tweet there. That way, we will be able to count how many trees we need to but. I suppose Banks will be Finance Officer in charge of monies for the time being.

Finally as CEO (Yay, an executive order) of ViRN Instruments, Wallapa - Simple Travel (which is a ViRN Instruments Company - come on, this is free publicity for me, I have to do it) will further donate 500 trees on top of whatever I donate, plus for every new video we will donate 5 trees on top of the 500. That means, there will be a ton of trees available and stuff. We don’t need committees and organizations and yadda yadda yadda, we just need trees and land. We don’t need government, we just need trees and land to put the trees in. Anything else, is unnecessary.

So swear away lads and lasses. WTF??? Oh and maafaka scores you double points.