Who has better ass? We all have that friend (@king_rudy is my BFF) with who we grade everyone we do. A close close buddy, who knows your fears, sorrows, and fetishes. The one who hooks you up with someone when they think this is the right person for you. Kawaida, we have a scale of 1 - 10 of grading ass. We grade ass just like women grade dick. And fuck you if you have not graded dick in your life. You lied. So here is how I grade ass. And since you ask me, is my ass fat, or how do I look, maybe this is you.

Disclaimer, no sense of humour, go fuck yourself. This is kinda a weak post, so apologies, I’m just trying to get into the discipline of writing again, and had some shit to clear.

1. Beast.

You are a bunch of horrible ass. Fred Gumo would feel like feel Jason Dunford after he got off on top of you. Kinda of ass I want to be on top of or hit that from behind cause I can’t look at your scary ass. Compared to you, Lucy Kibaki is a Halle Berry. Your ass is the kind of ass that if I get to hit, I kinda ask myself, what the fuck was I thinking? The books on sexuality that daddy bought me, and mummy made me read and it said in one section, after having promiscuous premarital sex you will feel a sense of guilt and withdrawal and shame. Your ass makes me feel that way. Maybe they should use your photo as an illustration. Your ass is desperate to get ass ass. This is I was at the local in ocha, drank some changaa and took you home ass. Moustache ass, and I know, some women have their fair share of male hormones but why would you sport a moustache like Burt Reynolds?

2. Okay.

Some ass that I love getting on but I would not be seen in public with it. You might have had one too many spare ribs so u are way past being plus size, or maybe its that Joker Smile of yours, or the cockeyed thing going, you are actually ok in bed, you look ok behind closed doors, and in very dark rooms, infact you will look great, but you just don’t seem to make that effort to look so, or maybe you flunked makeup-ed in school cause they way you put on that make up, more like my “son” scribbling with crayons blindfolded. You are not a jump off, wait you are, and I would want to keep you long enough till the next piece of ass comes along, but there you go on again with some silly shit that makes me now even want to look at you. You barely dress ok, puts on some really fucked up make up. I did not know there was a brand of makeup called Oriblame, but that’s you. I mean you are ok. Some days you scare me with psycho tendencies though, always coming over to mine every second fucking day, assuming that fucking me all the time will get me to tell you that I love you. Baby, I’m love proof when it comes to you. I know breaking up with you eventually will end up with the GSU being involved. I did not lie to you. You just believed what I told you.

3. Cute.

You are cute in a funny smurf kinda way. You kinda have a brain, but you live it at home and well, face it, you have more fun without it and that’s as far as it goes. And you never need your brain. Ever. Except to store your ATM Pin number. That’s it. When you do use your brain, eventually, and do some make up on your ass, you look fantastic. But you are a bad ass attitude full of drama, man hating bitchy type person. Who is cute. And when we are going to Mombasa, I know you will look great with your pink bikini and stuff, and would never ever look bad, irregardless of how much weight you put on. My friends all want to get on you, but that’s just as far as it goes. However, that’s as far as being with you is going. Our relationship is actually termed as a long term fuck. Introduce me as him, whoever the fuck him is, provided I get to hit that. Ofcourse, there are times when I get tired of your dramatic ass, like when you want me to meet your cucu. Its cool, but shit, this isn’t one of those. And I don’t get why you are acting surprised that its over. And I know you can’t cook, or clean or make a bed to save your life, but I sure as hell dig being inside your ass. So lets work on your strengths and forget that you can do anything else except moan, and certain days scream, not sure if its out of anger or attitude. You are the one Chris Rock talked about, you know the one who when my ex introduced me to you, you went out and got me. And nearly cut that bitches throat twice. Fair play. She was cute, just like you. Now here, take this money and go pay your rent my dear.

4. Real Cute.

You now are the kind of chick I will stop drinking beer for, for maybe a month or a year even, that ass, just shaped right. Perkies, perfect. Great smile, great legs, great family, etc etc. I want to have a thing with you and if you are normal enough by the end of two years, no psycho drama, I’m wifeying you, loading you up with a baby, buying you a new used Harrier from Japan direct and asking Jimmy at the petrol station to change the logos and put Lexus ones, just so you know, I love you. You are real cute, I will wait atleast 2 years before I get a clande, just because you are all that. It irks me sometimes to see you with a cigarette and a beer dancing on the table at Black Diamond, but its just a phase. Right??? And besides, it irks you when me you and Rudy weed and have a threesome. But these are non issues and I know, if I do better than you in my life, it will be in hell and Halle Berry will be begging to be with me forever. Or she will be Hot as balls.

5. Hot as balls.

I know I did not have game, but I have lied every single lie known to man to get your ass. Every fucking person including Halle Berry’s whack ass boyfriend wants you. You have no idea how many TV and Radio Interviews and articles in the East African I had to drop just to get your ass. I know I need to buy you a new Range Rover sport every 6 months just to keep you with me, not that you are a gold digger, but you are used to the finer things in life. When you fart, Dear Lord, Glade should just tap you ass and make a whole new range of air infusers cause baby you have it. I can’t get a clande. No, you are perfect. We don’t fuck, or have sex, we don’t even make love, fuck that, u just put on that nighty and I jerk off real hard for two minutes, cause I am not touching your silky sexy ass, with my hard core Mandingo. No sir. In this relationship, we do the deed twice, to get two kids. Afterwards, I just observe and masturbate. You are the kind of girl Chris Rock talks about. I introduce you to my niggas and they say, nice girl, i need someone just like her. Now look at your beautiful self balancing my cheque book while making me smile. Take all the money. All of it. I don’t care.

Q & A

“Jana I hit this beast and I just remembered that I didn’t use a condom. Should I get tested?”

Don’t bother, buy a fucking coffin you dead motherfucker.

“I’m tired of fucking ok girls. Should I bone prostitutes to improve my game?” (@kimut1986 pay attention here)

Depends. To increase quantity, you drop quality and vice versa. So figure out how long you can go masturbating.

“I was this hot as balls girl and she told me that she wouldn’t have sex with me if I was the last guy on earth. Then she threw her drink on me. What’s a good line that I could have come back with?”

Bitch!!!

You already lost out so you can swear at her and blame the alcohol she threw at you for the mess.

If this scale falls then I have another one waiting in the wings. It’s called “Pick or shut the fuck up.”