Welcome to Nairobi. A couple of metres of people but no water.

Straight to the point, Charity Ngilu is probably the worst Minister on this planet. Here we are lying to ourselves that we can end this culture of impunity. The email sent out from Nairobi Water today shows we haven’t done shit to end the impunity. And we probably won’t. All you people thinking that its freedom time, ha ha ha, kiss my black ass. The corporations serving under her Ministry (Water) went to prove just how retarded a situation we are in. Not only that, the also proved that once again, nobody really gives a flying turd about the rest of you simple minded waterless bastards. I think that accounts for everyone. Me included. And I know Charity is someone’s mum, someone’s granny, someone’s aunty, someone’s daughter, someone’s friend, what the fuck do you guys tell her? Advice her? Tell the bitch to bring her A-Game already if it exists, or to wing it, invent it, tell her to do something, anything except appear more moronic.

First of all, I want to see the National Dipstick that will say we don’t have water. Fuck all that projection shit. All that calculation shit. I want to see the dipstick like when we check the car for oil cause the engine is about to get fucked, or when we check the petrol tank when the gauge is fucked or when we check the girls when they are about to get fucked. I want her cheer leading ass to go to the big main Kenya Water Tank or whatever it is and pull out the dipstick and simply says, you niggas are fucked. And here is the proof. Then I want them to throw Emmanuel Juma inside the fucking tank, with a camera for recording and a straw for breathing so that he can show us The Inside Story. Because no way in hell with the last say 4 governments go through this water rationing shit and claim there is nothing to do until the rains come. I don’t have a Secretarial Diploma Certificate that tells me I am qualified to say that there is no water and I was born stupid anyway, but this woman is probably the least qualified person in the galaxy to be giving us advice on just how fucked we are with this water business. The worst is that even after we know that this bitch left her 3 cell brain in Raila’s dye box, we figure we can trust her with our shit. Hell fucking no!!! She is not qualified on this shit. All she knows I figure is that ODM invented water and PNU stole the idea. And who the hell says the only source of water is rain?

To the water shit. First of all, no dipstick, no water and @mwanikih stop telling me there is no water without a dipstick. Have you personally seen the dipstick? And you cannot blame me for taking this shit as it is, and believing it, not exactly the most honest lot our leaders. This water thing is a fucking political 2012 move if you ask me. Raila will dye his hair pink, wear a pink tutu and matching pink ballet shoes, trim his eye brows and ask that sect leader to dip him inside another swimming pool and voila water will come gushing from Migingo Island. Of course, he will be sitting on a Nyanza province unicorn with a Koinange street malaya or Applebees Stripper hat with Zebra print stripes, and we will vote for him and Kenyans I swear if this fool wins and cause I know we are stupid enough to do it, I swear………

I believe there is water, Nairobi Water Company are colluding with the City Council, and voila we have a water problem. How many years of water rationing do we have to experience for us to bear this shit any more? I don’t mind water rationing if this guys can justify it, but there is no single fucking reason for this shit. None!!! If Israel and Saudi Arabia, countries which are practically deserts, never have rationing, what are we doing? Not only do we have a couple of mountains that might shed a tear, or happen to be cut up right in the middle by the fucking Equator, where believe it or not, its supposed to rain till we drown, leave alone a couple of months back people were actually drowning in this rains, not only are we not open to the ocean, that we can literally treat salt water and turn it into water water, not only can we not dig a borehole and maybe just 49 more in Nairobi for about 1 metre per hole, we can actually defy the odds and have no water. And not only that, there is pending fucking doom of electricity rationing coming soon to a phone charger near you. How is this possible? How do we end up with no water? Come on. Its like Raila saying that’s his real hair colour.

After the last bout of water rationing, we should have learnt this shit. Embarked on a drive to dig up as many boreholes as we could, storage facilities for water, to make sure that we had water for 50 years to come, should the world turn into a fucking desert. We should have started treating water from the ocean, seeing how abundant it is. We should have taught people on how to conserve water. But NOOO!!! Not Kenyans. Nope. We did something unexpected. We proved to the world just how possible it is to behave brain dead. We showcased our stupidity giving it its moment of glory. This was Kenyans at their vintage finest. We went and elected the most fucked up government known to man on this planet with 900 Ministers, proceeded to then kill each over about some shit we created that obviously then has nothing to do with us, invented a new word (IDP), killed some MPs to create room in Parliament, invented new post called Prime Minister run by a Queen and a fairy, and they have not done shit in the two years except fight about equal rights in a government that hasn’t done shit except give us a budget and stress. And roads. But roads in this case are more important than all the people who are going to die, if not of hunger, of cholera or other diseases, well as far as I know, there are a bunch of ministers who can build this roads with spit cause I don’t want to see any of my water being wasted on a road that will not make more water come.

And Nairobi Water Company, someone find the MD and castrate the fool. This is a prime example of why evolution should be left out by some. He is the number one guy leading impunity in my books today. So rationing is here and what do we have? This fool is gonna give the suburbs more days with water. Fine, you work hard, you built that pool and it needs fresh water every hour. But if you look at the number of people living in the hood as compared to the suburbs, for one in the suburbs, there are like 1000 of us in the hood. So if this guy is as smart as they come, which believe it or not he actually is not, we would say for instance Mathare gets 4 days of water unlike Runda which gets 3/4. Mathare 2. Now here is a thought. In Runda, you probably have a 20,000 litre tank, a bigger pool and 0.85 kids which means when you are done washing your ducks, you might have a tad bit of water left over. My crib has one 1000 litre tank (I believe, not sure) which lasts me about a week since I wash my ass probably twice a day, and wash my one cup and one spoon and one fork and one frying pan (plates are so overrated and water rationing means we eat from source), probably once a week cause I am eating out most of the time, but my laundry goes thru that very quickly. Now if I decide to have my people here, say my “special friend” that 1000 shrinks quickly so I need more. And we all know people in the hood, we live 9 of us in a one bedroom flat. So how does that compute? The hood needs more water than this pencil brains are giving us. What else is more annoying? Not a single fucking soul in the government will object to this plan cause they live (right, u guessed it) not in the hood. So you chump change hood rats have to suffer. If that does not spell impunity, I don’t know what the fuck does.

And in Mombasa (this is a 99.9% confirmed rumour), as a directive of the Ministry, the Coast Water Services Board apparently has started sending letters to people who have their own private wells and boreholes and don’t share water (which I believe is not true cause Muslims love sharing, even when they are angry, or are those fanatics) that they will come and install a meter between the well or borehole and your house. Ofcourse you just invested a possible one meter to get water into that house, and now, you have to pay gava for water coming out of your land that you own with rights to enjoy all fruits and benefits that could possible come out of your property. Its yours. So now, gava owns that water underneath you soil. Not giving it up to the fact that Mombasa hasn’t had a decent flow of water ever. EVER!!! Not giving it up to the fact that our pedigree chums who are surrounded by water cannot get the water from the ocean and treat it. If you visit this web page (When was the last time I used web page ), you will discover that Mombasa is pretty much fucked. Unless wajipange like this, you kill everyone associated with anything to do with Water transfer from source to mouths including the guys who carry the water with mkokotenis. Then you want to start from scratch. Replace broken pipes, build a treatment plant and a couple of boreholes off the Island and that’s it. Not fucking rocket science. If the said rumour is said to be true, well, for all of humanity to know, Kenya is a fake country.

Tourists go home (Sorry Najib, umelost sana, unanilenga???, Si tu-chat na Gtalk githaa???) . Stay away from Kenya until we get a new government. Foreign donors, stop giving this guys loans to build water projects. You have to be stupid to give them more loans for them to steal. Stop. Go away. Except the French harlots!!! And the day this loans come to maturity, and you come ask me to pay back, I, Kahenya, the illustrious King, Emperor and Lord of all I see, President and Prime Minister for life, personal saviour to some (lost souls) will tell you what I tell the landlord when it has been a bad month. I ain’t got shit.

And fucking Rudy, if you read this, come back home already. Point taken!!!