The word fuck has been use a lot, unnecessarily, but its how its meant to be. This is in response to @3CBs question about shagging your best friend, as I took it. If you feel offended, I couldn’t care less. This is who I am.

Disclaimer: I am trying to get to know this Samburu bird better, but I think I am batting zero. I am crazy about her, but who knows. This is not about you babe, this is a bad generalization.

Dusty Marriage And Relationship Guide

This is a quick marriage and relationship guide. Its from my head, seen from my own point of view, and how it should be. Keeping it real right? Its rude, sexist, and well, as real as I can imagine. @3CB, at the end of the day, I think its a bad idea to fuck your friends for romantic reasons, but a comradely shag, is always welcome. This is generalizing Kenya women, cause this is where I find most of this issues cropping up. At the end of the day, foreign chicks seem to have an overall appreciation of shit and dick. Hey, I am an international lover, and the only continent I did not do dirt on is Oz everywhere else, been gaming like a fucking porn star.

The rules.

1. I am King
And rightly so, its MY house which I built/bought/rent with MY money. MY house, MY kingdom, My domain, MY world. I could bone you effectively in a 10k house in the hood as well as I could bone you in an 80k house in Westlands or Runda, do I look like the kind of simple type nigger to not have a plan? Part of it goes like this. When we upgrade you from a contract employee, that you are, to a permanent employee, and we have a tiny bun baking, readily I will move out of the hood to the suburbs, but why am I gonna waste good money on a house when all I am using it for is eating and boning? And sleeping? So you are successful, good for you. Go get yourself a crib wherever. I like how you talk shaking your neck, calling me a cheap skate and shit. You want to show off to your friends, that I live in an expensive flat, but have no money for petrol? Fuck is wrong with you? You my dear, are a freeloader and your contributions to water and electricity, so that you stop feeling guilty is your own issue. I made that money, me, and I spent it on this house I am *INVITING* you to live here. Irregardless of kids and years and even the law on cohabiting, you are still a guest. MY house, MY rules. Stay the fuck away from my wardrobe unless you are contributing to it or washing something, but don’t arrange my shirts to a specific colour. I know where all my entire shit is. I know why I hang my chupis on hangers. Each on its own. The house is divided into the following parts:

Sitting Room - Where I sleep on Sunday or lie down after a long day with a beer or a joint. When I am in any one of those two positions, the only stress I need to hear about is anything that can fuck with our eating, water or electricity. Anything else, well, it will have to wait, does not exist or is a figment of your imagination.

Kitchen - where you prove your undying love and devotion to me.

Bedroom - Where I prove my lust for you.

Toilet/Bathroom - Where I shit, read the newspaper and go to think with a joint or a beer in my hand. You are only allowed no more than 10 minutes. I may sit on my throne for an hour, its MY throne.

The only contribution you make to this place is that you bone me, and make is smell better, and those are two things I can always get a replacement for. Walk out that door in anger, there is no coming back. Be a woman and talk shit out. Can’t, well, leave. I’ll get someone who can.

2. I love fucking

@justdes, this one is specifically for you cause you are the first person on planet earth who heard me say this in public.

Baby, I love you, you are my queen, I will worship your ass after God. I don’t mind those stretch marks on your big beautiful round ass. Reminds me of a zebra. Baby you are so special. Good sex and a game drive in one setting. I love cuddling up next to you, when your curl up to me, my crotch on your ass, babe this is the dream. Waking up and you lying on top of me, all naked and shit, babe, its special. I love the sex, the grinding, the sweating, I love it, me on top of you, you on top of me, the way it gets crazy, I love fucking when I’m on weed or alcohol, in the morning, in the afternoon, I love it when you come to the office at 10.00 in the morning, lock my door, and bone the shit out of me, I love it. I love the quickies, the showers, all that shit. I love going south and seeing your toes curl. I love coming home, finding you in the kitchen doing all sorts of kitcheny shit, lift your skirt up, pull your panty to the side, and hit that real quick. Why the fuck you don’t cum, is your own fucking issue. If I hit that right, and I know I am, your fucking issue if you don’t cum. See, when we are doing this, I’m fantasizing on nailing Halle Berry, Rihanna, some supermodel, cause I need a proper solid fantasy to carry me beyond. Get a proper fantasy. Tinga or Nyong’o will not finalize this deal. Think Vin Diesel etc, imagine his chest on my body, but its still me pounding on you. Come, stop fucking around moaning and complaining about how I am doing this and just fucking cum already. I want you to wake me up at 4.00 am and tell me in a dreamy sexy voice, I am horny, or when we are praying in church, send me a fantasy text, I want adventure. Look good, covering your hair in an old stocking is not going to turn me on. I don’t want to fuck you if you look like that chick on Love In 60 secs a Muppet. I want you to look good, always, cause you did before we got together, shave, please, I don’t want my tongue to meet a beard, for God’s sake, I will go South, but not to kiss Kenny Rodgers. Why are you sleeping in PJs and its hot? Get naked, I like sleeping naked. We will sleep in clothes when we are 90, until then birthday suits. I want to bone you at an odd hour and make it convenient for me. That C-Section scar, baby, I don’t mind that cause three inches below that is a pot of gold. Fuck me real good before a business trip, and I will bring you a mink coat if I can afford it. Throw me attitude before a business trip and I am going to fuck someone else. You fucking me before business trips makes me the man, and I can slay dragons, and buy GM with simply confidence.

Heat of the moment, I want to take you home, put you on that mattress and hit that like the nigger I can be, don’t let this height or this jacket or the fact I am a gentleman fool you, cause trust me love, I can be a nigger…

3. Stupid questions beget stupid answers
Babe, I come home to you. Every night. I want to come home and do one of the following things. Eat and bone you, eat and shower and then bone you, bone you then eat then bone you some more, drink a beer, smoke a joint, bone you, well boning you is predominantly on my mind a lot. I am constantly thinking about you. However, me thinking and not doing will create a conversation that will involve the following dialog

You: Are you boning someone else?
Me: Baby I cannot lie to you. Yes.
You: What? Why?
Me: Cause I am horny, and your ass is full of shit. You are not throwing me enough ass and I need tons of ass. I need a bone voyage before I head out to make this money.

I am not boning the entire office or city. I don’t get a clande because I want to (this is just me) but if I want to bone and you are not available because of your fucking bull shit, I will bone somebody else, even the fish if I have to. Asking me if I boned your friend? Yes I did, and your sister and cousin, and the secretary, and that hot nurse who just turned me over in the bed. and I am paying them off to keep them quiet, but now you have just saved me 20k a month. Asking me if I am high, and I have a joint or a beer in my hand? I’m high too bitch, so what is wrong with you? Asking me why I have lipstick on my shirt? My shirt wanted to look good you crazy skunk. I hate lipstick too, hasn’t it occurred to you I have 900 aunties who all wear lipstick and just one possibility, I run into them in town? And I hugged them? Go on, listen to stupid shit from all your fucking single friends who don’t shit in my house, have two kids from two different men and cannot keep a man for more than a minute cause that nigger is not the shit, who are not there, when all we have is fish and hot chocolate. Listen to that bitch who has been throwing monkey at me and I am saying no. Cause I will hit that, not feel guilty, come home kiss you and nothing happened.

4. Don’t be stupid
You are independent to do whatever. I trust you. You want to go clubbing, yeah go ahead. Here are the facts though. Going clubbing is no biggie for me, sometimes I may come, sometimes I may not, going out in a car which seats 5 and there are four guys and you, no problem. Having 9 guy friends and they are close to you, no problem. I have no insecurities like that. The rest of the world calling you a slut cause of 9 guys and you, I won’t fight that. Cause I can’t change a painting that looks like it is. You need to be smarter than that. If I hear someone saw you in the clubs with a pack of sluts, I know you are not a slut, but I have a reputation too keep that will not be affected by your bullshit. You want to carry on like that, doing stupid shit, getting wasted and acting up, throwing drama, being 5 years old, your shit will not bring me down. Smarten up, read books, get cultural and smart, not just magazines and clubbing. not just good times. Being too much of a social flower is your shit, not mine. And I won’t take your “I don’t know shit”. Its fucking ignorant and annoying. I ask you a question, its either yes or no. I ask my niggers, want a beer, its yes or no. I ask you, wanna fuck, its yes or no. And no means I will find someone else. Have a headache? Thats your fucking problem, not mine. And that annoying fucking voice? The one to make me feel pity for you when I ask you something? Pathetic. Be normal, have a solid voice, answer yes or no, leave your baggage outside, too much of it, drink, smoke a joint, talk to Chris Hart, but just be normal. Please. Its bad enough I have to wake up next to you with a fucking stocking on your head and not have to imagine that you are not Osama without a fucking beard. And G-string s are no cool. Its unhygienic and weird. It makes quickies cool, but no, there is something off about it. Wearing high heels to work? (This I will be punished for). One thing I know, the coolest chicks I know, wear flat shoes. Don’t ask me how I figured this out, but I just somehow did. I have no proof, but I just see it. What does wearing high heels have to do with making you type more effectively at work? Ladies, I have a question, does wearing heels make you type better? Wait until you have to walk down Teleposta towers 50 floors down with heels… That will be the day.

5. Masturbating
I love it, you love it, we both love it, and each and everyone of these hypocrites reading this is doing it, or has done it, or is planning to do it. When you are gone for a week, I’m jerking off in the shower for atleast an hour before going to work. The stains on the bed sheets, well what do you think? Fact of the matter, no dildo, balls, Rodger Rabbit will ever replace this nigger at work, my dick is king and I am Maasai and I know how to swing it not ever, but a right hand sure has a way of clearing my back ache real quick. We do it and we love it. Fact. However, one week of daily blow jobs will not replace one night a nasty shag per month. Yes. Don’t give me a blow job and expect me to tosheka. Point 2. I love fucking. Give me a blow job cause its code red week, or it was 6 oclock in the morning and we overslept. Or I’m not standing up to bat real quick and we need to move fast. I’ll help you out too and head south, but if you are not cumming, quickly, its your fucking problem. You will not bring toys to the bed, with me. Come on. Nigger at work. I will pound the life out of you and make you scream 11 times, but if the toys interfere, you are out. I will fucking dump you in a minute. Go fuck a horse or rabbit or whatever the fuck people use this days.

6. Equals? You wish
So we are not into a semi-permanent contract deal. Where we are kinda seeing each other. Maybe we have just upgraded you from contract to permanent. Here is how this will work. You are my equal in life, but you are not. Its how I am wired. There are things I cannot and will not tell you ever in life. Not because they are fucked up, but because I didn’t want to tell you. I don’t have to. Its none of your business. I make more money that you do. Irregardless of whatever you say, and not my insecurities, I make more money. You complete me. True, but I don’t want to know that your boss is fucking some other boss or that your cat is shitting all over your house. Fuck that. And don’t you dare bring that nasty pussy to my house to shit everywhere. I will shave that motherfucker and set its tail on fire. If you make more money than me, under any circumstance, spend it so that by the time you come home, I still made more than you. Back to point one, I am King. Don’t threaten me about leaving me for another nigger, cause fuck it, hit the road, maybe he can deal with your fucking dramatic bullshit. And let me tell you a little secret, that nigger is foul, just like me, if not worse. When I am not quiet, I’m not mad at you, I’m never mad at you, I’m thinking, working, high, fantasizing or doing something that does not really concern you. But let me get my head right. However, I know the only time you are not mine, and I accept and understand, is when its time for Sex and the city or Gossip Girls or some shit like that. However, in all this, I need you to believe in me. I need you to understand that because of you, I wake up in the morning, looking at your big beautiful eyes, full of love, and I know that I have to be a hustler, be a soldier, make a smile on your face, make enough money to take you to the Islands… Not enough for you? Go fuck yourself, I’ll find someone who knows how to appreciate.

7. Look good
Yeah, you will probably put on some weight, get a zebra ass, yes, gravity will work on you, and yes, it won’t be fun all the time, and I will love you forever if you know how to take it in stride. I like you simple, you need long hair whenever available, short is good too, you go get careless, see what happens, keep covering your head with a headscarf cause you are too lazy to do your hair, keeping coming up with fake fucked up hairdos, see what happens, if you have the ability to change it and you are too lazy to do it, too bad. Its over. I cannot stand a lazy bitch. Who sleeps all day and is too lazy to get on this bone and enjoy it, who only has energy to go clubbing, but can’t look good making me dinner. Babe, if I am making an effort to look good, if I am making an effort to put in extra to make life that slightly better, so can you. You don’t have my energy levels, you shouldn’t be with me. Have good energy levels. And don’t get it in your head that you are hot, and your friends say you are a hot, and niggers walking down the street stare at you cause you are hot, don’t think that will take you far, cause I can bone and live with an ugly fat ass chick too, and I bet you she makes better chicken than you do.

8. Friends
I have enough friends, if I meet you in a club, its not going to be a relationship. I met you here, if I think you are safe (like a certificate, usual checks, inspections) I might just take you home. For tonight. And maybe for later reference, but its not a relationship. I am a man and you are a bitch. We cannot change that. Ever. However, if we have contracts abound, simple principles. I will always say something that will seem stupid. I will always do something stupid, and I might regret it, if I don’t, don’t be so emotional and if my friends talk shit, cause they do and they will, and you might hear it, I might tell you, its not personal. I still love you. And nothing can change that, people will hate on us, but if I’m waking up next to you, I am still yours. And I always will be. So let shit go, get back with and know that you are my queen, zebra stripes and everything.

9. Remember the days
We got married right after I pulled you from shags when you had that fucked up hairdo and that innocent attitude. You carried my first baby and my second, forget the ones on the side. You touched your first electric switch in MY house and you say your first washing machine in my house. You thought the microwave was a TV and you never knew how a gas cooker worked. When we went on our first international trip and you got on a plane, you were not “hungry” cause you thought we would pay for plane food and money was tight. All your whims, I met them. I got everything I could when I could, and I got you that fucked up glow in the dark neon orange g-string that you thought would turn me on. Mildly, you were a shady bitch. Why the fuck do you think now, when you have a car, a job and a bank account, that you are better than me? I got paid too, who put your ass through varsity??? Never ever forget where you came from, cause you are a stone throw away from going back there. And I can make it happen.

10. Don’t fuck with my head.

Its over, its over. No coming back. And I respect a woman who walks in and says its over, not one who drags shit for a month, with, “I don’t know whats wrong with me”. Sometimes I look at the guys you boned before me, and I feel sorry for my junior, and sometimes, I just laugh. Make up your fucking mind. You in or out? You want to or you don’t? Don’t love, me, leave me and think that you can come back in the morning saying, I was wrong. It all comes down to that single moment of truth. You want, come and get, don’t fuck around throwing hints and fucking clues. Do I look like Sherlock Holmes to you or do I look like I want to debug your mental shit like Chris Hart? I am not your ex, irregardless of how many times you have been fucked on and your insecurities are making us not go anywhere. If you are boring and are bila vibe, or your vibe flows around clubbing, pubbing and don’t have fresh shit to talk about, and you open a can of worms, don’t be embarrassed to say I have no clue what I am talking about, cause when we are boning, and I got a bit too excited early in the game and burst a nut before it was time, I was shocked too, but because you are hot and I am nailing you. But I made it up to you 9 times later???? The reason I haven’t introduced you to my family, honestly, cause I am not sure where this is going. If I invite you over, its a clue, its a hint, we are moving up a notch and I want to. If its been more than 3 months and my family isn’t in the picture, I won’t lie, I’m just enjoying boning you. This is not going anywhere and you are an irrelevant psycho bitch who is good in bed. It also means, that in the mean time, I have taken someone else to meet my mum, cause surely I have to bone someone my mum likes. Getting moody and depressed about it won’t change shit. Lose your temper and shout at me in public, its so over so quick. If you cannot control your mouth, you are not worth listening too, and those bitches give you bad advice about how to bone me and shit, and that nigger isn’t worth it, let someone step up to me on my business and in public, I won’t lie to you, I am going to jail that day and I have never hit a woman in my life, but there is always room for new adventures. Ask Chris Brown. He will tell you. Any of your friends come and tell me you don’t want to see me, better be wearing a bullet proof vest cause unless you got stung by a hundred bees and look like Martha Karua, we meet when we have issues. I don’t know what a timeout is and I don’t know what a break is except a breakup. We either stick together or we break up. Simple as that. You want a break? Have a break. I am going to bone someone else with less baggage. If you think you want to come back, you go through the formal application process like everyone else and your pussy better have evolved in the time we were apart and obtained goose felt lining and a silver snapper cause thats what I really wanted, not cotton. And bragging to me how you boned Jua Cali or Nameless after his concert, let me tell you something love, if you fucked a celeb after his concert, you are chump change. A groupie. And a slut.

Thats that. Time for the repercussions. And to my intelligent nigger who just found freedom, happy birthday my nigger, redemption time.