I wrote this when I came back from tour (term I was officially told it was) and was unable to publish it. I wrote this Friday night, got admitted Saturday morning. So, will make sense for a lot of people. Usual disclaimer, no sense of humor, go fuck yourself.

As we can see, I was rich enough (you poor bastards) to afford to go for the Rhino Charge which is an exclusive excuse to go fuck inside a tent and come tell your friends what fun you had having a Green Lodge (new phrase). I wanted to bring my special friend along (yes I am sort of seeing someone) but there was some major shit I wanted to sort and would not have spent enough time with her and did not want her to see the ugly of what was going on. Corporate shit. If you were in Rhino Charge, then you know what happened. What happens on tour stays on tour right? For those who tried to fuck it up, fuck you. Illiterate Kisii bitch!!!

But I spent time in Rift Valley and I want to go and live there. No shit. Rift Valley is the coolest joint in Kenya. Better than Nai or Coast.

The Guide to discovering Rift Valley.

1. Baba Lives There

Yes, Baba Moi lives huko. And you know, Baba is King in Rift Valley (Of course, Moi hasn’t always been King in Nakuru, he had to maneuver smartly and take over from one of my favorite personal heroes. The irate fiery and ever smiling Dickson Kihika Kimani. I know he is not a favorite of many people, but did you see the leather jackets this nigger wore?). I’m seeing akina @Louizah complaining about Kibaki and Raila. This sides, this niggers don’t exist. Kibaki will give a speech, and Kenyans will scream, except in Rift Valley. What Moi says in Rift Valley is Gospel. When Jesus comes to claim his flock in Rift Valley, he might find himself in an awkward situation cause the locals and true believers will first refer him to Kabarak to make sure Baba Moi has okayed it. Its such a serious issue that if you ask those poor bastards who is the President of Kenya, they will tell you, jamaa, kwani umenoki, wacha kutupa mbao. Baba Moi. And Kenya is still a single party state with KANU being the winning party and Jomo Kenyatta’s beard was real. They hate when you blaspheme over Kenyatta’s name saying he married some white bird. Must be out of your minds. Kenyatta loved black booty and Mama Ngina was the only booty he had. He may have had a couple of clandes, a white one too, but he had only one dear wife. Like Emilio. Speak ill of Moi in Rift Valley and you are bound to get an arrow or a panga in a very awkward position in your body.

2. They have *REAL* Skunk

As goes with my new lifestyle, I sampled the local skunk. To my surprise, my smoking partners appeared. Gandi was wearing a Maasai kit, spear and everything, sporting some skunk flavored with cow dung I knew was not rolled by a Mwangi from Kiambu. John Paul II, also appeared, sporting a @whiteafrican beard with some Indian Bird called Terry, cute, short but she kept insisting we go on hunger strike. Gandhi, with his new found taste for nyama choma was not feeling that shit. I recommend, if you skunk, hit up some local shit.

3. Booze is cheap

Fucking cheap. Cheaper than Nai. Cheaper than where I live, and I live behind KBL/EABL. How is it cheaper? I have no clue. Its the only place anywhere on this planet that you can haggle over the price of a Tusker. And the locals get to be pissed if you can’t haggle. Wachinka wa Nairobi. Munaelewa kunyonywa pesa. And whats even better, you can drink all day. Starting at 08.00 am at the local boozer is not seen as a mortal sin. Rumor has it that some wives wake up their kids and tell them to go get some milk and two bottles of Tusker to activate her husband. Ladies, having a husband who does not drink in Rift Valley is a mortal sin. Guys, if you want to waste your life as a raging alcoholic, like one MP who is unsure he is an alcoholic, then marry a Rift Valley chick and move to Mogotio. That lifestyle will fly. FYI, they don’t take it too kindly to pouring booze down to your ancestors or as niggers, for all our dead homies. And I agree. Those niggers is dead. Why are you wasting perfectly good booze on ground? On dead people who can’t taste that shit? You think that fool in the coffin dead and skeletony as fuck might not have somewhat more important priorities in life other than drinking? Like, who the fuck buried him in the wrong suit? Or is the Compiler still mad at me for the bad shit I’ve been doing?

4. Chicks are even cheaper

I have no comment here. All I know, you don’t have to lay a thao lines and fork out a quarter of ur salo to hookup a chick. Have white teeth. Thats it. Even though Moi is King in Rift Valley, white teeth rule womens hearts. And if you know how to jump start a tractor, you are a rock star. Ask akina my dad of their travels in Mau-Narok region this weekend. By the way, kusambaza in this joint, hakuna haja ya uhodari. My pearly whites, which I flash like an idiot from Kachmega got the sisters all smiles and talking. Now, since I became famous and was on TV and in the newspaper, combined with a sexy smile, a D-Max, some skunk, and a couple of goats, fathers, staple your daughters chupi’s to her skin cause nothing she can say or do can resist me. Of course, they are still mad at Helen Sambili for buying them 2 tractors across the entire constituency. Apparently some guys will have to wait till 2011 for that tractor to come do his 12 acres in under 8 minutes. No money back guarantees. I can’t speak ill of Helen, cause I’m friends with her daughter, but don’t make it so tempting.

5. No Chris Kirubi

Apparently CK has been warned into coming into Rift Valley. Explicit instructions. Eliminate on site. Imagine there is a place on this planet where the loathe this guy enough to warn him off. Yes there is a place you can go on this planet that is CK free. I have no idea what he did to Rift Valley people, I suspect it goes back to Uchumi, anyway, long story short, he is not very welcome there. Or anywhere. Not that I have time for him. I’m just saying. Uchumi, back then, to save themselves from the personal hell they went through, should simply have moved their HQ to Nakuru or simply hard their board meeting there.

6. Lakes

Wherever you are in Rift Valley, there is always a lake close by. Think about it. Bogoria, Elementaita, Naivasha, Nakuru, Baringo, you always have a puddle to go play with. Of course, if the water is safe to drink/swim/fish in is debatable, but with a car battery or a gomongo (ihiga ria naini), you are spoilt for choices of places to dispose of shit you don’t really need, or shit that needs to disappear, quickly, quietly and permanently. That nagging cow of a wife (who is probably kicking ur ass), that drunkard husband, that bastard Priest, that ex-Justice Minister, Chomodeley, I hear with group rates, even the entire parliament can’t disappear inside Bogoria in one sitting. Logistics of getting 223 car batteries or gomongos (who the fuck said we are doing Najib? He is kin. Biashara niaje???) is your own issue, and no, Rift Valley Railways does not do deliveries cause the tracks got uprooted at Kibich, but a minor issue, considering how happy the fish will be. However, I have learnt, for this to happen, that is parliament playing kissie face with fishies, and for the sake of the fishies digestive systems, you want to starve them for maybe a week, then you want to take the Bishop and MP for Starehe, and fling her ass into the water around Migingo with about 4 car batteries and 2 gomongos (think weight ratio and how big that ass is), after pounding it with a beef pounder or mallet for a day like tibs, marinate it and then sun dry it for a couple of days, pull it out and gently insert into one of the Rift Valley lakes (head first as a disclaimer to the fishies as to who is coming in next) and they just *MIGHT* be desperate enough to be able to stomach her. No guarantees here. Of course when the Nile Perch start coming out with upside down crosses on them, sell Mijinjo to Museveni then. Sell Kisumu too. You know those matoke eating bastards are not too smart. We can trade Kisumu and Mijinjo for the entire UG, minus the part near Sudan.

7. Movie Theatres

Officially I haven’t been to a movie theatre since God knows when, but I went to a Rift Valley movie theatre. Which is cool. A TV, DVD player, 20 bob and you watch all the movies for that night. No hustles of 4 sock pop corn, sijui mambo ya tickets and choosing front row seats, getting coke, you can’t bring your own food, stare at you woman’s A’s (if you are that unlucky), B’s (favourites at the moment), C’s (clandes only) or D’s (if you are that lucky) and they chuck you (20th Century and Kenya Cinema, movies are for making out), none of that stress. Here, they bring nyama choma, their own goats for security sakes, gomba, the only drinks in their are local brew or EABL’s finest, clandes won’t let you lay a finger on them, and they don’t play the National Anthem before you watch the movie, and no intermission shit (except when stima poteas). The movies begin with 2 kung fu movies for the clandes (mental acrobatic lessons for actions ahead - man, @mentalacrobatic is gonna be so pissed when he sees this), who are quickly ushered away to warm the beds, cause the men were about to get into what was termed as, hii ni mambo ya wenyeji. Hawa wachinka wa Nairobi, wanakunywa mambo gani hii Niagra kabla ya mchezo? Lo and behold, unholier than thou 70s Swedish and Asian porn, which means Rift Valley will never lack new born kids. Ever. I so wish I had carried my Kenyan Porn DVDs, show this other Kenyans the full glory of Super Ciru and that Omundu Strong with locks, which I think I have lost, to show them maendeleo ya Nairobi, but fuck it, you know I’m smarter than that. Gava will stop us, raid the ride, and find me with Kenyan porn DVDs and two skunks in the bag. I’m not that stupid. Catch me for possession, my fucking arse.

8. Staple Diets

Not so many words. Nyama Choma. Now, WWGD (What Would Gandhi Do?).

9. No mobile networks

Everyone in Kenya loathes mobile phones, not because we hate communication, but because it never works when u need it to, and when it does, its expensive and rubbish quality. Solution. Some places are mobile network free. Problem solved. What surprised me was that even the BGAN satellite dish (Thanks Hughes, at 10 dollars a minute, thank you) was dead. No coverage. Technically BGANS work in 99.9% of the entire planet, except in Starehe constituency, which is covered by Bishop whoever, and now Rift Valley. Don’t ask me why, the thing just did not work. Not having a phone for a couple of days, made me realize how much I hate talking to people on phones. Except you.

10. No-one will fuck with you

If you tell someone you are from Nakuru, Molo, Burnt Forest, Turkana, Samburu or Eldoret or some random Rift Valley town, and you live there, watch how they steer clear. In Nairobi, after multiple lessons, you will always see criminals always going for your wallet first, pull out your ID, and if they see you are a certain John from Molo, the know they kind of retaliation to anticipate is fodder material for CNN. Genocide type shit, cause I don’t know the kind of shit those Rift Valley guys are smoking, makes them evaluate maths on a whole different level.