I’m a bit tired but I had to write this one. My first weak post of the year.

In a country that is in dire need of investment technology wise, I find myself stoked that the factors hindering growth are actually policy related and not lack of innovators. There are many innovators willing to take the challenge of helping Kenya come out of the dark. One of my earliest conversations this year was with @otienoc and we were discussing the role of CCK and 3G and other providers.

1. The Zain situation with the CCK is mighty confusing. The East African recently reported that they have only applied but not paid. Zain insiders reported that they have paid and are testing. A couple of Senior Chairmen and CEOs I had the priviledge of meeting with in a closed session discussion, reported that they had. I’m confused about this issue. Every once in a while my Zain broadband knocks 3G and a couple of techies have told me that they have hit 3G before. Answer to this one, to be honest, I do not really know.

2. Orange and CCK? I have no clue. I’ll go with the East African Story on that one.

The reason we have no alternative provider is because the fee is set too high. But why? It all goes back to two individuals and a long term strategy by the government. Safaricom still dominates the market but not because of innovation. The President recently executed an order mandating that by end of January 2010 (?), number portability should be executed. Which translated by this two individuals means 2 years down the road. The Prime Minister instead of getting down to supervisory work will be busy flapping his gums about The Mau Forest and ODM and policies but not about what we are doing. Did you know that it is highly offensive to be writing anything negative about Michael Joseph in the Media? And lack of ability to criticise the Michael Joseph and Safaricom means we have poor service and we cannot complain about it. Sadly, he has been named CEO of the year in Kenya. A network that is struggling to meet daily objectives. The African Leadership cancer goes beyond government and into Corporates.

The reason we won’t have a new 3G service provider is because Bitange Ndemo, the Permanent Secretary in the Ministry of Information and Charles Njoroge, the Director General at the CCK prefer this not happen, or rather are not willing to look at alternative solutions to allowing other networks because Safaricom needs protection, to keep the money flowing in. Safaricom needs government protection. In the next two years, voice will be a dead business. It will all be data offerings, while we look at data calling etc.

The Alternatives

1. Zain, Yu and Orange negotiate a better rate for the license and then finance a debt repayment to cover the excess fee Safaricom paid (which I am yet to see) to more agreable values.

2. CCK keeps the same fee and work on a debt recovery management plan where the get percentages of incomes till the fee is covered, plus interest ofcourse. The license can be issued for free or at a deposit and I believe CCK would have recovered sums withing 5 years.

3. CCK refunds Safaricom the $25m and we forget 3G. That way, no-one has it and its an even playing field but everyone else is screwed.

While Zain is yet to recover from their egotistical management, which they have been plagued with, take over after take over, we can hope that someone figures out Rene Meaza is not the man for the job. Yu, well, they are special. We can’t ask them to count. Too many porkies, this Yu. Too many. Orange, the beast that Safaricom is worried about. Funny, Orange is just about to get it right, and the only reason 99% of the country is not with Orange, is because Orange is yet to discover Flat Billing on Data. Orange is the only company that does not need to be greedy and they will get all the customers. But the greed is showing. The French owners are still French, and they bite. And they are greedy. They need to ease up.

My point is, we need to isolate and openly ignore Bitange Ndemo who we openly allow into our fold. Inviting him into Skunkworks Meetings and conferences and other meet ups need to stop. He needs to get the the hint. I find it sad that we allow the same person who is ruining tech in Kenya to come in. I find it sad that we, the tech community have not stood up as one and said enough. But we are Kenyans, the only things we know to unite around usually revolve around entertainment and even then, not for long. We have no common goals or agendas to developing tech in Kenya, we have united common wishes and ideologies, but we are not really out there turning wishes into goals. As for Charles Njoroge, well, I guess I’m glad I don’t run into him. I might say some unhappy words. I hate the fact that my job is now spending more time dealing with politics and struggling to connections to work than working on the main projects. 80% of my productive time is wasted because of these two individuals and I am getting fed up with losing ideas and time cause of crap. So lets boycott this two individuals.

The Compiler has been sure good to us, been a good life so I say thanks. Things I can’t forget.

I grew up well, early years real poor, but time goes and bad shit happens all the time. We grew up eating two types of meals on a daily basis for many years. On a bad day, we ate githeri. On a good day we ate ugali and the chaser was well sukumawiki or cabbages. Every single fucking day. So understand me, where I come from, when I struggle to get paid, and someone comes between me and mine, I’m doing the time, cause its going to be a crime.

A play date for us involved herding cows and the height of the year was when my grandfather took us to the cattle dip to watch the cattle get treated. That was the only time we ever got to see so much water in one place outside of a bucket. Then we got another car, we got tires, minus the rim and add water and sticks, and you were the shit right there. Grandpa shed the wisdom underneath the sun, and like the raindrops, it got soaked into us like the torn shorts sponged up the storm. I became him, not just in name.

We ate chapos once a year, for Easter, cause my cucu made them and everyone got first half a chapo and later, one chapo, so understand this, till today, I got a weakness for them things. Then ‘84 drought passed and we ate chapos twice a year, Easter and Christmas, then it became one of those where we dished them on holidays. We lived it then. We live it now. Just see chapos a whole lot more often.

We couldn’t afford to have pets cause we couldn’t afford to feed them. And honestly, which normal dog do you think would be happy eating githeri leftovers everyday? And we ate everything, so the dog might live on licking the sufuria? Later we got cats, then my dad made them “go away permanently” when they stopped appreciating githeri every day and instead started appreciating making kittens more. RIP kitties, but dad was taking care of the home team first. Now Winter is choosy about what shit he eats, does not eat boiled meat. WTF?

Then we moved, moved on, grew up, started carrying bread for break to school, dad made us go to a school in Nairobi, we were the shit then, then we got the 505 with the sunroof, and u know right there shit was tight, everyone in ocha wanted to see this, we went to Mombasa by plane on our first holiday, saw our first white people, came back and shit was on. I am still amazed by the sea and would like to live next to it someday. I’m working real hard on that master plan.

School introduced me to my first computer, which had 8 keys, then Unix, then Windows 1 and then dad brought up the first PC, an IBM 486 DX2 100 and I wrote my first program, a boot sector virus in Basic and next thing you know, I’m fucking with Cobol and Fortran, then DBASE and Pascal and I was the big shit right there. Back then computers wasn’t nothing, there was no money in them, now, we are trying to make a billion off the keys.

Then we chased skirt, fell in love, told wonderful lies of how we would always be together, wish I knew how fast ass moves along, and the first new ass became the last bad ass, we were writing silly letters and fake ass poems about how the next time would be the best time, and how babies would never come, so they lay with us, and we pretended to pull it out, thank God they invented rubbers, cause a nigger came short of having a million baby mothers, or a million other worse things that could happen. Like the vision of the future, the two princess are a minute away and I know for a second that……..

The rest is a story I tell when I get high or drunk.

Dear Compiler, you have seen me through a lot this year, a couple of forced vacations, uncertain futures, I lost her, got girls, lost them, made new friends, lost old ones, got a whole shit load of enemies, and I fucking dare them to come up against me, a lot of things You give me I waste, or take for granted, and forget to say thank you, but here we are, and I say for this one, thanks. I promise to appreciate more, swear less, and find her and make her wifey cause I know your inbox must be full of mum’s prayers. Thank you for everything. Thank you for giving us this day. Keep us from straying. Thank you for sending your Son to come take the load we created and still create, we should know better. Thank you.

Who has better ass? We all have that friend (@king_rudy is my BFF) with who we grade everyone we do. A close close buddy, who knows your fears, sorrows, and fetishes. The one who hooks you up with someone when they think this is the right person for you. Kawaida, we have a scale of 1 - 10 of grading ass. We grade ass just like women grade dick. And fuck you if you have not graded dick in your life. You lied. So here is how I grade ass. And since you ask me, is my ass fat, or how do I look, maybe this is you.

Disclaimer, no sense of humour, go fuck yourself. This is kinda a weak post, so apologies, I’m just trying to get into the discipline of writing again, and had some shit to clear.

1. Beast.

You are a bunch of horrible ass. Fred Gumo would feel like feel Jason Dunford after he got off on top of you. Kinda of ass I want to be on top of or hit that from behind cause I can’t look at your scary ass. Compared to you, Lucy Kibaki is a Halle Berry. Your ass is the kind of ass that if I get to hit, I kinda ask myself, what the fuck was I thinking? The books on sexuality that daddy bought me, and mummy made me read and it said in one section, after having promiscuous premarital sex you will feel a sense of guilt and withdrawal and shame. Your ass makes me feel that way. Maybe they should use your photo as an illustration. Your ass is desperate to get ass ass. This is I was at the local in ocha, drank some changaa and took you home ass. Moustache ass, and I know, some women have their fair share of male hormones but why would you sport a moustache like Burt Reynolds?

2. Okay.

Some ass that I love getting on but I would not be seen in public with it. You might have had one too many spare ribs so u are way past being plus size, or maybe its that Joker Smile of yours, or the cockeyed thing going, you are actually ok in bed, you look ok behind closed doors, and in very dark rooms, infact you will look great, but you just don’t seem to make that effort to look so, or maybe you flunked makeup-ed in school cause they way you put on that make up, more like my “son” scribbling with crayons blindfolded. You are not a jump off, wait you are, and I would want to keep you long enough till the next piece of ass comes along, but there you go on again with some silly shit that makes me now even want to look at you. You barely dress ok, puts on some really fucked up make up. I did not know there was a brand of makeup called Oriblame, but that’s you. I mean you are ok. Some days you scare me with psycho tendencies though, always coming over to mine every second fucking day, assuming that fucking me all the time will get me to tell you that I love you. Baby, I’m love proof when it comes to you. I know breaking up with you eventually will end up with the GSU being involved. I did not lie to you. You just believed what I told you.

3. Cute.

You are cute in a funny smurf kinda way. You kinda have a brain, but you live it at home and well, face it, you have more fun without it and that’s as far as it goes. And you never need your brain. Ever. Except to store your ATM Pin number. That’s it. When you do use your brain, eventually, and do some make up on your ass, you look fantastic. But you are a bad ass attitude full of drama, man hating bitchy type person. Who is cute. And when we are going to Mombasa, I know you will look great with your pink bikini and stuff, and would never ever look bad, irregardless of how much weight you put on. My friends all want to get on you, but that’s just as far as it goes. However, that’s as far as being with you is going. Our relationship is actually termed as a long term fuck. Introduce me as him, whoever the fuck him is, provided I get to hit that. Ofcourse, there are times when I get tired of your dramatic ass, like when you want me to meet your cucu. Its cool, but shit, this isn’t one of those. And I don’t get why you are acting surprised that its over. And I know you can’t cook, or clean or make a bed to save your life, but I sure as hell dig being inside your ass. So lets work on your strengths and forget that you can do anything else except moan, and certain days scream, not sure if its out of anger or attitude. You are the one Chris Rock talked about, you know the one who when my ex introduced me to you, you went out and got me. And nearly cut that bitches throat twice. Fair play. She was cute, just like you. Now here, take this money and go pay your rent my dear.

4. Real Cute.

You now are the kind of chick I will stop drinking beer for, for maybe a month or a year even, that ass, just shaped right. Perkies, perfect. Great smile, great legs, great family, etc etc. I want to have a thing with you and if you are normal enough by the end of two years, no psycho drama, I’m wifeying you, loading you up with a baby, buying you a new used Harrier from Japan direct and asking Jimmy at the petrol station to change the logos and put Lexus ones, just so you know, I love you. You are real cute, I will wait atleast 2 years before I get a clande, just because you are all that. It irks me sometimes to see you with a cigarette and a beer dancing on the table at Black Diamond, but its just a phase. Right??? And besides, it irks you when me you and Rudy weed and have a threesome. But these are non issues and I know, if I do better than you in my life, it will be in hell and Halle Berry will be begging to be with me forever. Or she will be Hot as balls.

5. Hot as balls.

I know I did not have game, but I have lied every single lie known to man to get your ass. Every fucking person including Halle Berry’s whack ass boyfriend wants you. You have no idea how many TV and Radio Interviews and articles in the East African I had to drop just to get your ass. I know I need to buy you a new Range Rover sport every 6 months just to keep you with me, not that you are a gold digger, but you are used to the finer things in life. When you fart, Dear Lord, Glade should just tap you ass and make a whole new range of air infusers cause baby you have it. I can’t get a clande. No, you are perfect. We don’t fuck, or have sex, we don’t even make love, fuck that, u just put on that nighty and I jerk off real hard for two minutes, cause I am not touching your silky sexy ass, with my hard core Mandingo. No sir. In this relationship, we do the deed twice, to get two kids. Afterwards, I just observe and masturbate. You are the kind of girl Chris Rock talks about. I introduce you to my niggas and they say, nice girl, i need someone just like her. Now look at your beautiful self balancing my cheque book while making me smile. Take all the money. All of it. I don’t care.

Q & A

“Jana I hit this beast and I just remembered that I didn’t use a condom. Should I get tested?”

Don’t bother, buy a fucking coffin you dead motherfucker.

“I’m tired of fucking ok girls. Should I bone prostitutes to improve my game?” (@kimut1986 pay attention here)

Depends. To increase quantity, you drop quality and vice versa. So figure out how long you can go masturbating.

“I was this hot as balls girl and she told me that she wouldn’t have sex with me if I was the last guy on earth. Then she threw her drink on me. What’s a good line that I could have come back with?”

Bitch!!!

You already lost out so you can swear at her and blame the alcohol she threw at you for the mess.

If this scale falls then I have another one waiting in the wings. It’s called “Pick or shut the fuck up.”

Ransom Acquisition Manager

Basic Purpose:

Responsible for generating and maximizing revenue through hijacking and seizing in an assigned area or territory. Develops strong relationships with these accounts to ensure maximum revenues and emerging requirements. Maintains knowledge of and reports on new developments in the marketplace with regards to accounts and prospects. Maintains regular contact

Main Duties & Responsibilities:

Performs pirating activities for an assigned geographical area to achieve or exceed assigned revenue objectives:

· Maintains shipping records and prepares hijacking reports as required

· Develops action plans aimed at achieving ransom and revenue targets in consultation with the Mogadishu sector Manager.

Maintains knowledge of and reports on new developments in the marketplace with regards to accounts and prospects:

- Monitors competitor activity within the region and reports with recommendations for action

- Carries out surveys to set, analyze and uses outcomes together with other available market data to focus future pirating activities.

-  Monitors and reports on competitor activities

-  Determines ways to differentiate from competitors

Qualifications

-  2-5 years with University of Hard Knocks  Degree in Hustling

-  Able to work under high stress with short-term targets and objectives

-  Gun literacy advanced usage of AK 47, Kalashnikov and Gunships will be an added advantage

- Able to operate in a Wariah driven organization

Competencies

- Ransom focussed

- Business awareness

- Excellent Miraa chewing skills

- Excellent presentation skills especially on live broadcast for effective ransom demand

This is an article written by diane franco… ladies here is the blunt truth

It’s really just me yelling into the electronic darkness again because I’m not really looking for an answer, I’m just talking to myself until I’m tired of listening to me. There are no answers here…and in this case I don’t think I’m even trying to find some. If I happen to step on a metaphorical toe, it might mean your mental feet aren’t where you thought they were.

Now this person we’re going to marry, we’re going to share with them our hopes and dreams, our fears and triumphs, our colds and upset stomachs. This person is going see us at our best and at our worst, we’re going to eat and get drunk with them, go to church and sin with them, talk for hours about life, bullshit and things we still want to do. They’re going to look out for us, we’re going to look out for them and the whole nine.

In other words they’ll have to be your friend. Your best friend.

And you’ll biblically know them too.

This is an epiphany. Can you see the light?

What this means is that most of us have to make a mental leap that we’re not prepared for, - we’ll have to combine friend and lover. And I know most of us aren’t ready for it, because I’ve recently heard the idea of sleeping with your friend as THE “fatal mistake” and other thinking along those lines. But the truth of it is, because so many in the past 20 years or so mentally have separated the images of both the divorce rates have skyrocketed.

There are some other mitigating factors - economic changes, loss of the stigma of divorce, etc, but the basic concept that happens even before you get to that point, is that the people getting married tend to love each other…but don’t actually like each other.

How can you love someone…but not like them?

Or rather…how can you sleep with someone and not like them?

A lot of men, and lately the women have joined in as well, think from below the waistline. They “fall” for the person that turns them on sexually. And overlook the bad qualities, the warning signs, the screaming facts that blare at them that this person, while cute and sexy (or handsome, etc), should be avoided at all costs. Or realistically, utilized as ONLY a quick …er…quickie. Okay maybe twice, but that’s it.

A young lady once described it to me as there are “men you like, men you love and men you lust after…and rarely if ever does a woman find them all in the same man.” I didn’t see the wisdom in that statement until recently.

But what happens in practice is that people try to work it out. Poor naive peoples. Although they share little beyond the bedroom, they attempt to make this “love” of sorts work because good sex makes the brain go sleepy time now. Marriage does not magically change who you are. But you try. You find out that you’re a day person, they’re a night person. You save, they spend. You believe in having a job, house, car…they hustle. You have an education, they have a hard time reading street signs like STOP and LANE ENDS. Lack of respect, humiliation, no support, disturbing habits, etc, but they’re just oh so fine naked and oiled up…aren’t they?

Which is good, or at least okay for a while. Until real bills and real problems show up. Or kids get involved. And then it gets messy. And ugly. And maybe you end up standing in a cornfield at three am holding a suitcase, a bag of chicken nuggets, a bible and small dog named “Chi Chi” wondering if that thing they do with their tongue really is worth all this. And you realize that maybe what you need is someone who understands you…like a friend. And whereas you can shape your sexual urges and desires to some extent, real life bends for no man or woman.

It would be great, heck even easier, if we could make the person we sleep with our friend. But since our mind wasn’t on anything of substance when we chose that person (no, the idea that they’re sexy doesn’t count as substance) and as most women will only grudgingly admit, finding someone you actually like and making friends is a hell of lot harder than picking someone to get naked with. Turning Mr. or Ms. Hey-you-good-morning into someone you can have a substantive conversation with takes mega millions winner luck and an act of God. It is a real head knocker.

In the course of the relationship - this lifetime relationship - you’ll be lovers, friends, business partners, roommates, confidantes…etc. Too many of us stop at the first item and think the rest…all of them ..will just fall into place.

Yeah. Right.

So what is my suggestion?

Think about it. Realistically they were on short time anyway, because things change once you find “the one”.
“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”

Diane Franco

I’m not going to justify swearing (my first lie), but I swear a lot. Maybe one day I will change, but not today. So I am going to do this as my contribution to saving the Mau Forest and Kenya in the way I best know how, short of hacking a bank and stealing money and buying trees. First of all I republished the last Blog Post Censored (which was hard) @afromusing had to take a look over it cause I was not sure I had it bang on. That way, there is no excuses for anyone who dislikes my swearing, and I figure there are someone does not feel left out on this saga.

Now, here is the deal, me and @afromusing have come up with the idea of Swear For A Tree (I came up with the idea, @afromusing cringed but she loved the idea). The month of November, anyone who swears on twitter will be liable to buy a seedling from KEFRI and plant it somewhere. Every swear word is worth 10 shillings and the seedlings are worth 10 shillings a piece so yeah. I will arrange for the purchase and deliver the trees to a central place. This will be in December. There will be a tweetup and we will arrange for the trees to be planted. Some details we have to finalize are minute but will not affect the initial challenge.

So swear away, and don’t cheat. If you cheat, you donate an extra 10 trees per cheat. If you swear, come back to this link, which is now default on my twitter profile for the month of December, login into my blog (the comment part) and paste your tweet there. That way, we will be able to count how many trees we need to but. I suppose Banks will be Finance Officer in charge of monies for the time being.

Finally as CEO (Yay, an executive order) of ViRN Instruments, Wallapa - Simple Travel (which is a ViRN Instruments Company - come on, this is free publicity for me, I have to do it) will further donate 500 trees on top of whatever I donate, plus for every new video we will donate 5 trees on top of the 500. That means, there will be a ton of trees available and stuff. We don’t need committees and organizations and yadda yadda yadda, we just need trees and land. We don’t need government, we just need trees and land to put the trees in. Anything else, is unnecessary.

So swear away lads and lasses. WTF??? Oh and maafaka scores you double points.