Kahenya

Two Secs (Update)

I haven’t been feeling 900% but there is a lot of shit playing in my head lately so I have to just drop it. Its probably not funny, but just wanted to get it out. I have been writing this on paper (how pathetic) for the 4 days and I won’t lie, that Marriage Guide is kinda hard to beat, and I am not on any substances that might make me see shit all funny. My ego is letting me know I have 3000+ followers. Yay!!! I kicked Paula’s ass. Again. From a hospital bed too. Paula, get off that bleeding mountain and come rumble with me on concrete. Though I hear in the mountains and jungles (jungles, like we have them… ha ha ha) which is like your territory, you will go all Conjestina on my ass.

Usual disclaimer, no sense of humor, go fuck yourself.

The Good.

I went Pro. Yay!!! That means I get paid to talk shit. Expect my first pro article by 10th July, thats like in a week. The media company paying me tons and tons of money (zero actually) to not say who they are and why I should write things about them that are nice figure I can bash this out. For the moment, my pro work comes here as soon as I design the Pro Logo, but maybe I’ll build a Pro Network, and assemble a crew, like Lily (Disclaimer, I am NOT YET a shareholder in Lily)

Robel Expounded

A new twitter guy from Ethiopia living in America (like every other Ethiopian) has been writing some crazy stuff, so I thought I might expound a bit in MY own opinions and not @rawbubble.

1. NIGAZ - NNPC and Gazprom
Anyone want to bet that this will result in a scam with the Nigerians fucking the Russians, and the Russians killing the Nigerians? Whoever came up with that acronym (Russians) are fucking racist. That should have been a warning. We are here to fuck you. Those scam generating, drug dealing, pigeon speaking ,thick lipped, big nosed, dumb fufu eating bastards guys are about to get fucked beyond. Though I wonder, who is the bigger criminal here?

2. Masturbating with a condom on? - So where is the fun of squeezing away from the wet spot on the bed? Where is the fun of explaining to her, how a raw egg ended up in your bed? Or was it a bit of yoghurt? See if this pictures help

3. Britney IS DEAD. - So go kill yourself

3. Zebras on LSD - Babes, I know you want me to life your skirt up, move that purrty neon green g-string to the side and hit that, but shit, your ass is bubbling like a Zebra on LSD. But you know I am a nigga. Hop onto that mattress on the floor. Let me see if I can strike gold.

4. Elvis was a pedophile, Michael, an equal opportunities lover.
Yup, and we are fucking hypocrites. Elvis was fucking (????) a chick who was 14 and he was 24. Confirmed. The King of Rock does not get shit done to him. Michael shares the love with one boy who recants (the fucking liar and his daddy) and we crucify the shit out of him. If I was Michael, I would be excited to be dead too. Now this bastards can’t get him on shit.

5. Attraction is awkward
Cause its a bitch the first time you get her naked, get you naked, she looks at your penis and realizes you are trying to be a bitch and you have to look at her zebra ass and realize it is a bitch…

6. Its MY crown - Thats fucking right. In MY Kingdom, as I sit of My fucking throne, taking a shit fantasizing about taking a shit next to Kaz

7. The new revolution - Guys in Iran must have been going, this NIGA had to die now?

8. Muggers galore - Psyche bitch, I was lying. Its not a stereotype, its a fact. Now handover them valuables and take your fucking dentures out of the bag. Nasty bitch.

9. Tired of flirting - Come touch this. Here. Its not a banana. Look, I don’t consider them one night stands. They’re auditions.

10. I do want a bipolar bear - We can call it Martha, get it a Reverend to play with, and give it the toughest Ministry in the land. And if it goes bipolar, fuck it, make its life miserable, replace it with a wrinkled glass wearing monkey and make sure the two don’t meet to mate. Can’t cross breed em. Might get a fish loving Prime Minister who loves wearing stripper hats in the whole mix.

P.S. Don’t ever buy KCC Yoghurt. KCC is full of shit and should go fuck themselves. Why??? Cause their Yoghurt was 75 bob and tasted good and the reason we all bought it was because we wanted to see them develop it even better. Now cause this guys want to make a quick buck, as is the stupid fucked up mentality possessing majority of Kenya’s vision-less leaders like the PM and the Cabinet (except my big homie Najib), that shit tastes as whack as before, is 80 bob and I can get better tasting Brookside for 75 bob. Ofcourse we stopped buying Delamere cause Tom went shooting people in the ass and bribed his way into an got an 8 month Bid. So fuck KCC.

The Great SMS Ripoff

Jamo wrote this. If you are more harder coder in Kenya than Jamo, you don’t exist.

I firmly believe network operators the world over actually do reap off their subscribers for a service that ought to cost a tiny fraction of what they charge. Safaricom’s Ongea, Super Taifa and Safari Tariff and Zain’s Pamoja Tariff all charge ksh 3.50 per SMS within their respective
networks. Doing some math here, we can figure out how much this simple transmission is actually costing us.

A standard SMS message contains up to 140 bytes (1120 bits) of data - this takes care of the 160 characters allowed in your text message. This might not make sense at first, until you realize that SMS uses 7 - not 8 - bit characters - leaving you with 128 possible character values
instead of the normal 256 you get in e.g. your computer. So 1120bits/7bits = 160 characters.

So our total SMS length is about a tenth of a kilobyte (.13671875 Kbytes). In terms that the flash disk generation would understand - if you had an flash disk with a tenth of a kilobyte you could fit 1/8000th of a digital copy of Taifa Leo on it (yes, 1/10 of a Kb is that small). I assume here and for the rest of this article that 1 digital copy of Taifa Leo = 8 Megabytes.

If you divide 140 (the total number of bytes available to you) by ksh 3.50 (the cost per SMS), you find that you are paying 1 shilling for every 40 bytes of data. To put this in perspective, it would cost you ksh 204,800/= if you were to send your digital copy of Taifa Leo via SMS!

By comparison, it costs you ksh 8.00/= per 1MB if you use your handset for browsing the internet (btw, this is the most expensive internet option available, so it can only get cheaper). If you were to use your handset’s internet to send an SMS, it would cost you a paltry 1/1000th
of a shilling! Back to our flash disk owner, it would cost him just ksh 64.00 to transfer his entire copy of Taifa Leo to the intended recipient as opposed to ksh 204,800 if he were to use SMS. This option is 3200 times cheaper than the SMS option!

Furthermore, other internet services offerings are cheaper than the one we used in our calculation, meaning the flash disk owner would most likely pay less than ksh 64.00 for transferring his Taifa Leo. Also, the figures we used assume that people actually use all 160 characters available to them. Say people on average actually only used half of the
160 characters (which is still being generous) - then their price of SMS has again doubled!

The marginal cost of an SMS to the network operators is very low to justify the exorbitant fees we have to pay them for every SMS we send. The explanation (in the paragraph below) is somewhat technical, but bottom line is, it is still wickedly expensive for nothing and recent
technological advancements have made it even cheaper for network operators to transmit your SMS messages within and without their own networks. It’s no wonder that network operators make billions in text messaging.

(Initially SMS were implemented in the GSM standard as a control system. The Control channel is the channel that your mobile phone listens to in order to receive calls. So for receiving an SMS a control signal is sent. Since bandwidth is somehow limited on these channels it could happen that in a situation of massive usage of texting the control channel gets saturated and normal voice protocol initiation is disrupted. To prevent this carriers nowadays apply a kind of Quality of
Service (QoS) mechanisms that delay SMSes until there is no risk of congestion. So we can state that the marginal cost is very low and the cost/opportunity is also very low)

Wind in the air

Hi,

Everyone will generally assume I am a bastard especially after the post I wrote “Dusty Marriage And Relationship Guide”

Look, someone went and said a very distasteful comment about my mother due to this post and now I clear the air. I did not write this post to offend women, you are special, very nice, and I love you for that. This is a satirical post, satire, jokes, comedy, fun, and everyone wants to be up in arms. If you are truly offended, I find it sad, cause I would have viewed my readers as more open minded. I write about someone else and its funny, and people are all excited, one that touches you, people want to kill me. And where in that post have I lied? Do people understand self expression? Do you understand when I am serious and when I am not? I’m not an alcoholic or a drug addict, I don’t sleep around, I am normal. I am more hurt by pretenders and hate mail. Has Tinga and then ever come up or Martha Karua ever come up and said some bad shit to me? I will not pull it down and I will not apologize. I wrote it, its out there, if you are offended, well, yesterday I would have apologized, but today I say tough.

I’m thinking today is the first day in my life quitting blogging is now becoming a reality.

Kahenya

Dusty Marriage And Relationship Guide

The word fuck has been use a lot, unnecessarily, but its how its meant to be. This is in response to @3CBs question about shagging your best friend, as I took it. If you feel offended, I couldn’t care less. This is who I am.

Disclaimer: I am trying to get to know this Samburu bird better, but I think I am batting zero. I am crazy about her, but who knows. This is not about you babe, this is a bad generalization.

Dusty Marriage And Relationship Guide

This is a quick marriage and relationship guide. Its from my head, seen from my own point of view, and how it should be. Keeping it real right? Its rude, sexist, and well, as real as I can imagine. @3CB, at the end of the day, I think its a bad idea to fuck your friends for romantic reasons, but a comradely shag, is always welcome. This is generalizing Kenya women, cause this is where I find most of this issues cropping up. At the end of the day, foreign chicks seem to have an overall appreciation of shit and dick. Hey, I am an international lover, and the only continent I did not do dirt on is Oz everywhere else, been gaming like a fucking porn star.

The rules.

1. I am King
And rightly so, its MY house which I built/bought/rent with MY money. MY house, MY kingdom, My domain, MY world. I could bone you effectively in a 10k house in the hood as well as I could bone you in an 80k house in Westlands or Runda, do I look like the kind of simple type nigger to not have a plan? Part of it goes like this. When we upgrade you from a contract employee, that you are, to a permanent employee, and we have a tiny bun baking, readily I will move out of the hood to the suburbs, but why am I gonna waste good money on a house when all I am using it for is eating and boning? And sleeping? So you are successful, good for you. Go get yourself a crib wherever. I like how you talk shaking your neck, calling me a cheap skate and shit. You want to show off to your friends, that I live in an expensive flat, but have no money for petrol? Fuck is wrong with you? You my dear, are a freeloader and your contributions to water and electricity, so that you stop feeling guilty is your own issue. I made that money, me, and I spent it on this house I am *INVITING* you to live here. Irregardless of kids and years and even the law on cohabiting, you are still a guest. MY house, MY rules. Stay the fuck away from my wardrobe unless you are contributing to it or washing something, but don’t arrange my shirts to a specific colour. I know where all my entire shit is. I know why I hang my chupis on hangers. Each on its own. The house is divided into the following parts:

Sitting Room - Where I sleep on Sunday or lie down after a long day with a beer or a joint. When I am in any one of those two positions, the only stress I need to hear about is anything that can fuck with our eating, water or electricity. Anything else, well, it will have to wait, does not exist or is a figment of your imagination.

Kitchen - where you prove your undying love and devotion to me.

Bedroom - Where I prove my lust for you.

Toilet/Bathroom - Where I shit, read the newspaper and go to think with a joint or a beer in my hand. You are only allowed no more than 10 minutes. I may sit on my throne for an hour, its MY throne.

The only contribution you make to this place is that you bone me, and make is smell better, and those are two things I can always get a replacement for. Walk out that door in anger, there is no coming back. Be a woman and talk shit out. Can’t, well, leave. I’ll get someone who can.

2. I love fucking

@justdes, this one is specifically for you cause you are the first person on planet earth who heard me say this in public.

Baby, I love you, you are my queen, I will worship your ass after God. I don’t mind those stretch marks on your big beautiful round ass. Reminds me of a zebra. Baby you are so special. Good sex and a game drive in one setting. I love cuddling up next to you, when your curl up to me, my crotch on your ass, babe this is the dream. Waking up and you lying on top of me, all naked and shit, babe, its special. I love the sex, the grinding, the sweating, I love it, me on top of you, you on top of me, the way it gets crazy, I love fucking when I’m on weed or alcohol, in the morning, in the afternoon, I love it when you come to the office at 10.00 in the morning, lock my door, and bone the shit out of me, I love it. I love the quickies, the showers, all that shit. I love going south and seeing your toes curl. I love coming home, finding you in the kitchen doing all sorts of kitcheny shit, lift your skirt up, pull your panty to the side, and hit that real quick. Why the fuck you don’t cum, is your own fucking issue. If I hit that right, and I know I am, your fucking issue if you don’t cum. See, when we are doing this, I’m fantasizing on nailing Halle Berry, Rihanna, some supermodel, cause I need a proper solid fantasy to carry me beyond. Get a proper fantasy. Tinga or Nyong’o will not finalize this deal. Think Vin Diesel etc, imagine his chest on my body, but its still me pounding on you. Come, stop fucking around moaning and complaining about how I am doing this and just fucking cum already. I want you to wake me up at 4.00 am and tell me in a dreamy sexy voice, I am horny, or when we are praying in church, send me a fantasy text, I want adventure. Look good, covering your hair in an old stocking is not going to turn me on. I don’t want to fuck you if you look like that chick on Love In 60 secs a Muppet. I want you to look good, always, cause you did before we got together, shave, please, I don’t want my tongue to meet a beard, for God’s sake, I will go South, but not to kiss Kenny Rodgers. Why are you sleeping in PJs and its hot? Get naked, I like sleeping naked. We will sleep in clothes when we are 90, until then birthday suits. I want to bone you at an odd hour and make it convenient for me. That C-Section scar, baby, I don’t mind that cause three inches below that is a pot of gold. Fuck me real good before a business trip, and I will bring you a mink coat if I can afford it. Throw me attitude before a business trip and I am going to fuck someone else. You fucking me before business trips makes me the man, and I can slay dragons, and buy GM with simply confidence.

Heat of the moment, I want to take you home, put you on that mattress and hit that like the nigger I can be, don’t let this height or this jacket or the fact I am a gentleman fool you, cause trust me love, I can be a nigger…

3. Stupid questions beget stupid answers
Babe, I come home to you. Every night. I want to come home and do one of the following things. Eat and bone you, eat and shower and then bone you, bone you then eat then bone you some more, drink a beer, smoke a joint, bone you, well boning you is predominantly on my mind a lot. I am constantly thinking about you. However, me thinking and not doing will create a conversation that will involve the following dialog

You: Are you boning someone else?
Me: Baby I cannot lie to you. Yes.
You: What? Why?
Me: Cause I am horny, and your ass is full of shit. You are not throwing me enough ass and I need tons of ass. I need a bone voyage before I head out to make this money.

I am not boning the entire office or city. I don’t get a clande because I want to (this is just me) but if I want to bone and you are not available because of your fucking bull shit, I will bone somebody else, even the fish if I have to. Asking me if I boned your friend? Yes I did, and your sister and cousin, and the secretary, and that hot nurse who just turned me over in the bed. and I am paying them off to keep them quiet, but now you have just saved me 20k a month. Asking me if I am high, and I have a joint or a beer in my hand? I’m high too bitch, so what is wrong with you? Asking me why I have lipstick on my shirt? My shirt wanted to look good you crazy skunk. I hate lipstick too, hasn’t it occurred to you I have 900 aunties who all wear lipstick and just one possibility, I run into them in town? And I hugged them? Go on, listen to stupid shit from all your fucking single friends who don’t shit in my house, have two kids from two different men and cannot keep a man for more than a minute cause that nigger is not the shit, who are not there, when all we have is fish and hot chocolate. Listen to that bitch who has been throwing monkey at me and I am saying no. Cause I will hit that, not feel guilty, come home kiss you and nothing happened.

4. Don’t be stupid
You are independent to do whatever. I trust you. You want to go clubbing, yeah go ahead. Here are the facts though. Going clubbing is no biggie for me, sometimes I may come, sometimes I may not, going out in a car which seats 5 and there are four guys and you, no problem. Having 9 guy friends and they are close to you, no problem. I have no insecurities like that. The rest of the world calling you a slut cause of 9 guys and you, I won’t fight that. Cause I can’t change a painting that looks like it is. You need to be smarter than that. If I hear someone saw you in the clubs with a pack of sluts, I know you are not a slut, but I have a reputation too keep that will not be affected by your bullshit. You want to carry on like that, doing stupid shit, getting wasted and acting up, throwing drama, being 5 years old, your shit will not bring me down. Smarten up, read books, get cultural and smart, not just magazines and clubbing. not just good times. Being too much of a social flower is your shit, not mine. And I won’t take your “I don’t know shit”. Its fucking ignorant and annoying. I ask you a question, its either yes or no. I ask my niggers, want a beer, its yes or no. I ask you, wanna fuck, its yes or no. And no means I will find someone else. Have a headache? Thats your fucking problem, not mine. And that annoying fucking voice? The one to make me feel pity for you when I ask you something? Pathetic. Be normal, have a solid voice, answer yes or no, leave your baggage outside, too much of it, drink, smoke a joint, talk to Chris Hart, but just be normal. Please. Its bad enough I have to wake up next to you with a fucking stocking on your head and not have to imagine that you are not Osama without a fucking beard. And G-string s are no cool. Its unhygienic and weird. It makes quickies cool, but no, there is something off about it. Wearing high heels to work? (This I will be punished for). One thing I know, the coolest chicks I know, wear flat shoes. Don’t ask me how I figured this out, but I just somehow did. I have no proof, but I just see it. What does wearing high heels have to do with making you type more effectively at work? Ladies, I have a question, does wearing heels make you type better? Wait until you have to walk down Teleposta towers 50 floors down with heels… That will be the day.

5. Masturbating
I love it, you love it, we both love it, and each and everyone of these hypocrites reading this is doing it, or has done it, or is planning to do it. When you are gone for a week, I’m jerking off in the shower for atleast an hour before going to work. The stains on the bed sheets, well what do you think? Fact of the matter, no dildo, balls, Rodger Rabbit will ever replace this nigger at work, my dick is king and I am Maasai and I know how to swing it not ever, but a right hand sure has a way of clearing my back ache real quick. We do it and we love it. Fact. However, one week of daily blow jobs will not replace one night a nasty shag per month. Yes. Don’t give me a blow job and expect me to tosheka. Point 2. I love fucking. Give me a blow job cause its code red week, or it was 6 oclock in the morning and we overslept. Or I’m not standing up to bat real quick and we need to move fast. I’ll help you out too and head south, but if you are not cumming, quickly, its your fucking problem. You will not bring toys to the bed, with me. Come on. Nigger at work. I will pound the life out of you and make you scream 11 times, but if the toys interfere, you are out. I will fucking dump you in a minute. Go fuck a horse or rabbit or whatever the fuck people use this days.

6. Equals? You wish
So we are not into a semi-permanent contract deal. Where we are kinda seeing each other. Maybe we have just upgraded you from contract to permanent. Here is how this will work. You are my equal in life, but you are not. Its how I am wired. There are things I cannot and will not tell you ever in life. Not because they are fucked up, but because I didn’t want to tell you. I don’t have to. Its none of your business. I make more money that you do. Irregardless of whatever you say, and not my insecurities, I make more money. You complete me. True, but I don’t want to know that your boss is fucking some other boss or that your cat is shitting all over your house. Fuck that. And don’t you dare bring that nasty pussy to my house to shit everywhere. I will shave that motherfucker and set its tail on fire. If you make more money than me, under any circumstance, spend it so that by the time you come home, I still made more than you. Back to point one, I am King. Don’t threaten me about leaving me for another nigger, cause fuck it, hit the road, maybe he can deal with your fucking dramatic bullshit. And let me tell you a little secret, that nigger is foul, just like me, if not worse. When I am not quiet, I’m not mad at you, I’m never mad at you, I’m thinking, working, high, fantasizing or doing something that does not really concern you. But let me get my head right. However, I know the only time you are not mine, and I accept and understand, is when its time for Sex and the city or Gossip Girls or some shit like that. However, in all this, I need you to believe in me. I need you to understand that because of you, I wake up in the morning, looking at your big beautiful eyes, full of love, and I know that I have to be a hustler, be a soldier, make a smile on your face, make enough money to take you to the Islands… Not enough for you? Go fuck yourself, I’ll find someone who knows how to appreciate.

7. Look good
Yeah, you will probably put on some weight, get a zebra ass, yes, gravity will work on you, and yes, it won’t be fun all the time, and I will love you forever if you know how to take it in stride. I like you simple, you need long hair whenever available, short is good too, you go get careless, see what happens, keep covering your head with a headscarf cause you are too lazy to do your hair, keeping coming up with fake fucked up hairdos, see what happens, if you have the ability to change it and you are too lazy to do it, too bad. Its over. I cannot stand a lazy bitch. Who sleeps all day and is too lazy to get on this bone and enjoy it, who only has energy to go clubbing, but can’t look good making me dinner. Babe, if I am making an effort to look good, if I am making an effort to put in extra to make life that slightly better, so can you. You don’t have my energy levels, you shouldn’t be with me. Have good energy levels. And don’t get it in your head that you are hot, and your friends say you are a hot, and niggers walking down the street stare at you cause you are hot, don’t think that will take you far, cause I can bone and live with an ugly fat ass chick too, and I bet you she makes better chicken than you do.

8. Friends
I have enough friends, if I meet you in a club, its not going to be a relationship. I met you here, if I think you are safe (like a certificate, usual checks, inspections) I might just take you home. For tonight. And maybe for later reference, but its not a relationship. I am a man and you are a bitch. We cannot change that. Ever. However, if we have contracts abound, simple principles. I will always say something that will seem stupid. I will always do something stupid, and I might regret it, if I don’t, don’t be so emotional and if my friends talk shit, cause they do and they will, and you might hear it, I might tell you, its not personal. I still love you. And nothing can change that, people will hate on us, but if I’m waking up next to you, I am still yours. And I always will be. So let shit go, get back with and know that you are my queen, zebra stripes and everything.

9. Remember the days
We got married right after I pulled you from shags when you had that fucked up hairdo and that innocent attitude. You carried my first baby and my second, forget the ones on the side. You touched your first electric switch in MY house and you say your first washing machine in my house. You thought the microwave was a TV and you never knew how a gas cooker worked. When we went on our first international trip and you got on a plane, you were not “hungry” cause you thought we would pay for plane food and money was tight. All your whims, I met them. I got everything I could when I could, and I got you that fucked up glow in the dark neon orange g-string that you thought would turn me on. Mildly, you were a shady bitch. Why the fuck do you think now, when you have a car, a job and a bank account, that you are better than me? I got paid too, who put your ass through varsity??? Never ever forget where you came from, cause you are a stone throw away from going back there. And I can make it happen.

10. Don’t fuck with my head.

Its over, its over. No coming back. And I respect a woman who walks in and says its over, not one who drags shit for a month, with, “I don’t know whats wrong with me”. Sometimes I look at the guys you boned before me, and I feel sorry for my junior, and sometimes, I just laugh. Make up your fucking mind. You in or out? You want to or you don’t? Don’t love, me, leave me and think that you can come back in the morning saying, I was wrong. It all comes down to that single moment of truth. You want, come and get, don’t fuck around throwing hints and fucking clues. Do I look like Sherlock Holmes to you or do I look like I want to debug your mental shit like Chris Hart? I am not your ex, irregardless of how many times you have been fucked on and your insecurities are making us not go anywhere. If you are boring and are bila vibe, or your vibe flows around clubbing, pubbing and don’t have fresh shit to talk about, and you open a can of worms, don’t be embarrassed to say I have no clue what I am talking about, cause when we are boning, and I got a bit too excited early in the game and burst a nut before it was time, I was shocked too, but because you are hot and I am nailing you. But I made it up to you 9 times later???? The reason I haven’t introduced you to my family, honestly, cause I am not sure where this is going. If I invite you over, its a clue, its a hint, we are moving up a notch and I want to. If its been more than 3 months and my family isn’t in the picture, I won’t lie, I’m just enjoying boning you. This is not going anywhere and you are an irrelevant psycho bitch who is good in bed. It also means, that in the mean time, I have taken someone else to meet my mum, cause surely I have to bone someone my mum likes. Getting moody and depressed about it won’t change shit. Lose your temper and shout at me in public, its so over so quick. If you cannot control your mouth, you are not worth listening too, and those bitches give you bad advice about how to bone me and shit, and that nigger isn’t worth it, let someone step up to me on my business and in public, I won’t lie to you, I am going to jail that day and I have never hit a woman in my life, but there is always room for new adventures. Ask Chris Brown. He will tell you. Any of your friends come and tell me you don’t want to see me, better be wearing a bullet proof vest cause unless you got stung by a hundred bees and look like Martha Karua, we meet when we have issues. I don’t know what a timeout is and I don’t know what a break is except a breakup. We either stick together or we break up. Simple as that. You want a break? Have a break. I am going to bone someone else with less baggage. If you think you want to come back, you go through the formal application process like everyone else and your pussy better have evolved in the time we were apart and obtained goose felt lining and a silver snapper cause thats what I really wanted, not cotton. And bragging to me how you boned Jua Cali or Nameless after his concert, let me tell you something love, if you fucked a celeb after his concert, you are chump change. A groupie. And a slut.

Thats that. Time for the repercussions. And to my intelligent nigger who just found freedom, happy birthday my nigger, redemption time.

The Ultimate Rift Valley Tourism Guide - Kenyan Version

I wrote this when I came back from tour (term I was officially told it was) and was unable to publish it. I wrote this Friday night, got admitted Saturday morning. So, will make sense for a lot of people. Usual disclaimer, no sense of humor, go fuck yourself.

As we can see, I was rich enough (you poor bastards) to afford to go for the Rhino Charge which is an exclusive excuse to go fuck inside a tent and come tell your friends what fun you had having a Green Lodge (new phrase). I wanted to bring my special friend along (yes I am sort of seeing someone) but there was some major shit I wanted to sort and would not have spent enough time with her and did not want her to see the ugly of what was going on. Corporate shit. If you were in Rhino Charge, then you know what happened. What happens on tour stays on tour right? For those who tried to fuck it up, fuck you. Illiterate Kisii bitch!!!

But I spent time in Rift Valley and I want to go and live there. No shit. Rift Valley is the coolest joint in Kenya. Better than Nai or Coast.

The Guide to discovering Rift Valley.

1. Baba Lives There

Yes, Baba Moi lives huko. And you know, Baba is King in Rift Valley (Of course, Moi hasn’t always been King in Nakuru, he had to maneuver smartly and take over from one of my favorite personal heroes. The irate fiery and ever smiling Dickson Kihika Kimani. I know he is not a favorite of many people, but did you see the leather jackets this nigger wore?). I’m seeing akina @Louizah complaining about Kibaki and Raila. This sides, this niggers don’t exist. Kibaki will give a speech, and Kenyans will scream, except in Rift Valley. What Moi says in Rift Valley is Gospel. When Jesus comes to claim his flock in Rift Valley, he might find himself in an awkward situation cause the locals and true believers will first refer him to Kabarak to make sure Baba Moi has okayed it. Its such a serious issue that if you ask those poor bastards who is the President of Kenya, they will tell you, jamaa, kwani umenoki, wacha kutupa mbao. Baba Moi. And Kenya is still a single party state with KANU being the winning party and Jomo Kenyatta’s beard was real. They hate when you blaspheme over Kenyatta’s name saying he married some white bird. Must be out of your minds. Kenyatta loved black booty and Mama Ngina was the only booty he had. He may have had a couple of clandes, a white one too, but he had only one dear wife. Like Emilio. Speak ill of Moi in Rift Valley and you are bound to get an arrow or a panga in a very awkward position in your body.

2. They have *REAL* Skunk

As goes with my new lifestyle, I sampled the local skunk. To my surprise, my smoking partners appeared. Gandi was wearing a Maasai kit, spear and everything, sporting some skunk flavored with cow dung I knew was not rolled by a Mwangi from Kiambu. John Paul II, also appeared, sporting a @whiteafrican beard with some Indian Bird called Terry, cute, short but she kept insisting we go on hunger strike. Gandhi, with his new found taste for nyama choma was not feeling that shit. I recommend, if you skunk, hit up some local shit.

3. Booze is cheap

Fucking cheap. Cheaper than Nai. Cheaper than where I live, and I live behind KBL/EABL. How is it cheaper? I have no clue. Its the only place anywhere on this planet that you can haggle over the price of a Tusker. And the locals get to be pissed if you can’t haggle. Wachinka wa Nairobi. Munaelewa kunyonywa pesa. And whats even better, you can drink all day. Starting at 08.00 am at the local boozer is not seen as a mortal sin. Rumor has it that some wives wake up their kids and tell them to go get some milk and two bottles of Tusker to activate her husband. Ladies, having a husband who does not drink in Rift Valley is a mortal sin. Guys, if you want to waste your life as a raging alcoholic, like one MP who is unsure he is an alcoholic, then marry a Rift Valley chick and move to Mogotio. That lifestyle will fly. FYI, they don’t take it too kindly to pouring booze down to your ancestors or as niggers, for all our dead homies. And I agree. Those niggers is dead. Why are you wasting perfectly good booze on ground? On dead people who can’t taste that shit? You think that fool in the coffin dead and skeletony as fuck might not have somewhat more important priorities in life other than drinking? Like, who the fuck buried him in the wrong suit? Or is the Compiler still mad at me for the bad shit I’ve been doing?

4. Chicks are even cheaper

I have no comment here. All I know, you don’t have to lay a thao lines and fork out a quarter of ur salo to hookup a chick. Have white teeth. Thats it. Even though Moi is King in Rift Valley, white teeth rule womens hearts. And if you know how to jump start a tractor, you are a rock star. Ask akina my dad of their travels in Mau-Narok region this weekend. By the way, kusambaza in this joint, hakuna haja ya uhodari. My pearly whites, which I flash like an idiot from Kachmega got the sisters all smiles and talking. Now, since I became famous and was on TV and in the newspaper, combined with a sexy smile, a D-Max, some skunk, and a couple of goats, fathers, staple your daughters chupi’s to her skin cause nothing she can say or do can resist me. Of course, they are still mad at Helen Sambili for buying them 2 tractors across the entire constituency. Apparently some guys will have to wait till 2011 for that tractor to come do his 12 acres in under 8 minutes. No money back guarantees. I can’t speak ill of Helen, cause I’m friends with her daughter, but don’t make it so tempting.

5. No Chris Kirubi

Apparently CK has been warned into coming into Rift Valley. Explicit instructions. Eliminate on site. Imagine there is a place on this planet where the loathe this guy enough to warn him off. Yes there is a place you can go on this planet that is CK free. I have no idea what he did to Rift Valley people, I suspect it goes back to Uchumi, anyway, long story short, he is not very welcome there. Or anywhere. Not that I have time for him. I’m just saying. Uchumi, back then, to save themselves from the personal hell they went through, should simply have moved their HQ to Nakuru or simply hard their board meeting there.

6. Lakes

Wherever you are in Rift Valley, there is always a lake close by. Think about it. Bogoria, Elementaita, Naivasha, Nakuru, Baringo, you always have a puddle to go play with. Of course, if the water is safe to drink/swim/fish in is debatable, but with a car battery or a gomongo (ihiga ria naini), you are spoilt for choices of places to dispose of shit you don’t really need, or shit that needs to disappear, quickly, quietly and permanently. That nagging cow of a wife (who is probably kicking ur ass), that drunkard husband, that bastard Priest, that ex-Justice Minister, Chomodeley, I hear with group rates, even the entire parliament can’t disappear inside Bogoria in one sitting. Logistics of getting 223 car batteries or gomongos (who the fuck said we are doing Najib? He is kin. Biashara niaje???) is your own issue, and no, Rift Valley Railways does not do deliveries cause the tracks got uprooted at Kibich, but a minor issue, considering how happy the fish will be. However, I have learnt, for this to happen, that is parliament playing kissie face with fishies, and for the sake of the fishies digestive systems, you want to starve them for maybe a week, then you want to take the Bishop and MP for Starehe, and fling her ass into the water around Migingo with about 4 car batteries and 2 gomongos (think weight ratio and how big that ass is), after pounding it with a beef pounder or mallet for a day like tibs, marinate it and then sun dry it for a couple of days, pull it out and gently insert into one of the Rift Valley lakes (head first as a disclaimer to the fishies as to who is coming in next) and they just *MIGHT* be desperate enough to be able to stomach her. No guarantees here. Of course when the Nile Perch start coming out with upside down crosses on them, sell Mijinjo to Museveni then. Sell Kisumu too. You know those matoke eating bastards are not too smart. We can trade Kisumu and Mijinjo for the entire UG, minus the part near Sudan.

7. Movie Theatres

Officially I haven’t been to a movie theatre since God knows when, but I went to a Rift Valley movie theatre. Which is cool. A TV, DVD player, 20 bob and you watch all the movies for that night. No hustles of 4 sock pop corn, sijui mambo ya tickets and choosing front row seats, getting coke, you can’t bring your own food, stare at you woman’s A’s (if you are that unlucky), B’s (favourites at the moment), C’s (clandes only) or D’s (if you are that lucky) and they chuck you (20th Century and Kenya Cinema, movies are for making out), none of that stress. Here, they bring nyama choma, their own goats for security sakes, gomba, the only drinks in their are local brew or EABL’s finest, clandes won’t let you lay a finger on them, and they don’t play the National Anthem before you watch the movie, and no intermission shit (except when stima poteas). The movies begin with 2 kung fu movies for the clandes (mental acrobatic lessons for actions ahead - man, @mentalacrobatic is gonna be so pissed when he sees this), who are quickly ushered away to warm the beds, cause the men were about to get into what was termed as, hii ni mambo ya wenyeji. Hawa wachinka wa Nairobi, wanakunywa mambo gani hii Niagra kabla ya mchezo? Lo and behold, unholier than thou 70s Swedish and Asian porn, which means Rift Valley will never lack new born kids. Ever. I so wish I had carried my Kenyan Porn DVDs, show this other Kenyans the full glory of Super Ciru and that Omundu Strong with locks, which I think I have lost, to show them maendeleo ya Nairobi, but fuck it, you know I’m smarter than that. Gava will stop us, raid the ride, and find me with Kenyan porn DVDs and two skunks in the bag. I’m not that stupid. Catch me for possession, my fucking arse.

8. Staple Diets

Not so many words. Nyama Choma. Now, WWGD (What Would Gandhi Do?).

9. No mobile networks

Everyone in Kenya loathes mobile phones, not because we hate communication, but because it never works when u need it to, and when it does, its expensive and rubbish quality. Solution. Some places are mobile network free. Problem solved. What surprised me was that even the BGAN satellite dish (Thanks Hughes, at 10 dollars a minute, thank you) was dead. No coverage. Technically BGANS work in 99.9% of the entire planet, except in Starehe constituency, which is covered by Bishop whoever, and now Rift Valley. Don’t ask me why, the thing just did not work. Not having a phone for a couple of days, made me realize how much I hate talking to people on phones. Except you.

10. No-one will fuck with you

If you tell someone you are from Nakuru, Molo, Burnt Forest, Turkana, Samburu or Eldoret or some random Rift Valley town, and you live there, watch how they steer clear. In Nairobi, after multiple lessons, you will always see criminals always going for your wallet first, pull out your ID, and if they see you are a certain John from Molo, the know they kind of retaliation to anticipate is fodder material for CNN. Genocide type shit, cause I don’t know the kind of shit those Rift Valley guys are smoking, makes them evaluate maths on a whole different level.

A day of 9 lives

I think we are very lucky in the fact that we are able to recover multiple times from multiple bad decisions that we make annually as Kenyans. Fact of the matter is that we have multiple opportunities to make Kenya a great place but we get assholes like Shitanda opening their gabs and just proving to the rest of the world just how fucking stupid we appear. As far as I am concerned that nigger should be struck by lightning 5 times after being shitted out of a baboon’s asshole. He does not deserve to be a Minister, MP, or human being for any matters sake. And here is many other ways we just plain screw up on.

1. Kenya Airports Authority one of the greatest National embarrassments. From the word go, every time I go abroad and come back home, I am so disappointed by how shitty the airport looks. Plain simple, its an ugly dreary place that is worse than some ex-commie airports I visited over the last couple of years. Worse still, be in any airport and the lights go out. You are so fucked, cause a whole International Airport does not have a 600k generator to at least light the runway. Muhoho, fuck you. Chirau you frog looking bastard how can you possibly imagine that Muhoho is the best person for the job? You don’t deserve to be a minister. You are a fraud. A hack. I don’t want people to come to Kenya and see a kiosk for immigration, with rude crude immigration officers, overpriced Duty Free with almost zero stock, funny birds from all over getting ripped off by Beach Boys and Girls, listen on this one, if you are 65, boning an 18 year old beach boy/girl, either its lust at first sight, prostitution, or someone is getting ripped off. However, you might actually have met the one, or it could be just sex, but think smart tourists. Beach boys/girls, why don’t you guys ever go after akina Chirau? I mean, for a change would be nice to see Anyang Nyong’o involved in a sex scandal, or a Wako sex tape, or some shit like that. Or even Martha on the beach topless? Something. Anything.

2. I have to be critical of tourism in Kenya. Recently a couple of friends came from Davidson, NC to visit my mum and her buddies and we took them to the most obvious haunts, Museum, Giraffe place, Animal Orphanage, the usual. Now, we are talking an odd 20 people. Why, and please someone justify this do we have resident and non-resident fees? Cause we think they have more money? Are we fucking stupid? They have paid KQ 100k to come to Kenya, a further 50$ visa fees, and on top of that spend on average about US$ 600 - 2000 per visit, going to Maasai Mara, visiting National Parks and shit like that, so why are we asking them to pay more than what we pay? To me, other than plain racist, its plain fucking stupid. Take a taxi from the airport to town, as a Kenyan, 800 shillings to 1500. Try be white. 3k and the guy says he feels like you are ripping him off. Can someone pull someones head out of his/her asshole and talk about this? This is where impunity begins. Case and point, why do Matatu prices rise when there are many customers and drop when there few customers irregardless of traffic? We take advantage of people and we will never get rich because of stupidity. We need to stop this. Its disgusting and very pointless.

3. Its ICC time. Because the guilty ones, the ones who are saying we don’t need the ICC, those are the guilty ones. Take the bastards, all of them, make them realize no running. A local tribunal will be fraudulent because we are Kenyans and we will do best what we do. We will bribe, kill and intimidate the shit out of anyone who can say anything negative. Some people need to go. Now!!!

4. Some residents of Kisumu have just gone and proved how stupid they are, embarrassing their kinsmen and making it very hard for me not to generalize, because well, thats just how they are. Now, and I am not making this up or being tribalistic or racist or anything, but what the fuck does evicting the Town clerk have to do with uprooting Kisumu City Council fences, garbage bins and the very classic, burning the old trees? Trees that have been there for years? Now, lets make this a bit more interesting and in less than 24 hour, a diesel lorry overturns and that ignorant stupid bitch without a tooth wants to steal the diesel cause there is no fire there. The most obvious threats about horrifically dying in a fire, recently after another trailer burned 100+ people? How many months ago? And then a very stupid lot from Kericho went and got burnt yesterday. The very same day. Well yesterday cause this gets published in the morning. How? Surprise surprise, petrol tanker, free petroleum and a small blaze. This time round, I am with Lucy on this one. Fact of the matter, Kenyans are fucking stupid, they should burn each and everyone of them who thinks ripping off a petroleum trailer is a cool thing to do. Burn them all to heck. I wont say I am sorry. I won’t feel sad because someone got burnt to death over some business that they shouldn’t have been in.

5. Yes, I won’t feel guilty or sad or some shit like that. Cause when you are smuggling coke, heroin, or some shit like that into a country that has a death penalty for having that kind of shit, and your arse is facing Russia’s finest, well fuck you for being stupid. Hang them, imprison em, stupid bastards. I love life, and yes, I have admitted it, every once in a while, I occasionally eat my greens. But you will never ever catch me transporting shit for anyone for any reason to anywhere outside of my house. Eat your greens fresh. Never on planet fucking earth am I getting on a plane/car/boat/horse/ship even remotely high on anything that may be banned by anyone anywhere, including Amsterdam. The church can cry for their souls, but I will say it right now, no matter how desperate you are, if you find yourself on the end of a Chinese/Thai/Malaysia/Hell rope, facing an injection or Russia’s finest, you are fucking stupid!!!!

6. And the Catholic church goes on an affection spree. Kizito? I’m not talking about this, but Compiler, you have a tough job here. And then everyone else goes and starts doing funny shit. Fucking Kenyans. We don’t do shit like this. Never understood though, why do they always take pictures and keep an extremely detailed diary of how they go doing this shit? Seriously…

7. No Creatives and its a fact. The government is out of creative ideas, and is now just dragging us in their bullshit, big business is out of smart ideas and is dragging us through their bullshit, churches are out of fresh ideas and are dragging us through another couple of years of The Bishops bullshit, sure would have hoped for a better one on that, basically we are out of fresh ideas. If the best we can do is have majority of our government ministers in their twilight years, then we have serious problems. Does anyone think that Ole Ntimama has any fresh ideas? After all this years? Can someone give Anyang Nyong’o a fresh idea, like brother, shave??? Can someone tell the MP for Gichugu being Militant is only for Munguki? And from where she is shitting, stinks of Mungiki??? I mean, defend a criminal, you are either a lawyer or a fellow? Look at the possible 2012 lineup for President. Raila, whose best idea was to dye his hair. Uhuru, who can’t decide if he is an MP, Deputy Prime Minister, a minister, a Member Of Parliament, a raging alcoholic or the head of Mungiki, an MP who is boning a priest instead of eating comfort food, My honorable brother, the Ultimate Saint, brother in arms, saint of all saints, his merciful, honest honorable brother Pius Muiru, Kalonzo, who only sounds smart, and Gideon Moi who still can’t spell his name right and needs his wife to tie his shoe laces and pack him a lunch box? Does anyone on that list inspire creativity? Does anyone sound like a whiz???

Ah well, we have 9 lives right?

Dear Compiler

Only for those with a bloody sense of humour. The rest of you can go fuck yourselves.

Hi.

Its me. Guess you were not joking. That Baringo shit was right there mighty good shit. I’m great except for this small issue. But guess we need to clear the air in public. I haven’t got secrets. Have you?

1. I know its a touchy issue and Moses sure as hell was getting high before me. You gonna hold that against me? Just need to know.

2. She told me she was 18 and I know we talked about this in detail, as well as with the Dept Of Corrections in the State of New York. That’s behind us right? Cause you know I hit that again after that conversation.

3. I did not mean to say Mother Theresa and the Pope got it on. I spoke with John last week, and we agreed that it was behind us. Gandhi agreed too, and he said we can let bygones be bygones. Hoping we are cool on this one too.

4. I’ve been mad since you took Melat from me, and Derartu, well she done went and did you know what, and now well, my new friend, well that’s gone South. Maybe she is mad at me for some shit I said or did not say or some shit I should have done or did not do. I don’t know. She is a nice person, a bit distant but Jesus (that’s your Son), I tried to be a gentleman. I could find the answer in The Songs of Solomon. Ah well. That’s yours now. I can’t do much else.

5. Jesus, still hope you are not mad about the numerous lotto requests. South Africa, Euro Lotto, you know the craze. You give me a shot at life again, I’ll see about buying you a Euro lotto ticket. Heard your dad wants to do an IPO. I know this banker called @bankelele. Surely we can work something out.

6. I’ve been curious, compiler, did Adam hit that or are we talking a real apple? Did he choke on it?

7. I know I made an unfair comment about Noah and global warming. Look, Al Gore drove a solid argument, I was confused as hell. That there was a cool fix though. 40 days and 40 nights. Way the world is right now, we could sure use some of that again. I have to pick the ships crew. A bunch of niggers from Somalia will probably hijack us anyway.

8. I know I’ve been running away from your houses, and there is the nun issue, and I know I nearly murdered that Catholic priest dude (I know those don’t count), but you know me. I can’t promise I’ll be in another one again soon, but I’m with you. We are cool. I’m not mad at you anymore about point 4. You forgive so I guess I have to forgive too. And you were trying to teach me something.

9. Is Gino there? He lost weight?

10. I’ve run out of shit to say, but I’ll say thanks. This isn’t probably it, but you are on the controller right. So I have to prepare incase shit happens. And in my case, it happens a lot.