I don’t even know where to start. Congratulations to Erik and his team for the coolness of iHub, great meeting Jon Gosier and a bunch of other people and the food was awesome, the yoghurt even better and stuff.

I hope to see a lot more people at iHub utilizing it and making the best of this grand opportunity. Thanks to Kenyanpoet whose pics I ripped.

Kahenya

Ripped apart from Kenyanpoet - Photos of the IHub Nairobi Launch - Nairobi’s Innovation Hub, 3rd March

The other day, I agreed to withdraw from Zain modems after Zain decided that the service does not work. What is worse, I spent more time on the phone with Zain with them LYING to me that they have 99% uptime. Kiss my LIMURU MANUFACTURED DONKEY!!! To begin with Kencell/Celtel/Zain/Bharti is a joke. They have never really committed to it, so its a wonder they expect it to work.

Mobile Landscape 2010 Wishlist

1. Kencell/Celtel/Zain/Bharti fire and imprison Rene Meaza and the ENTIRE board of directors and all the staff including the security guards and bring committed people who are less concerned about publicity appearances and are brave to take on risks. While in prison, Rene discovers he has been truly confused about his sexuality and marries Bishop Margaret.

2. Orange fires everyone and rebrands as Orange, but only this time, they have smart and less greedy people. Honestly, the Frenchies are just greedy and I wonder if they are helping much here.

3. Safaricom exorcises fires Peter Arina or moves him to work as a customer services officer, because he lies too much, Michael Joseph finds Jesus through Martha Karua’s BF and gets saved, drops the arrogance and then gracefully bows out and brings in Bitange Ndemo as the CEO. Lets cut the charades here and just be honest. That is what he would rather be doing. Ndemo later declares that he has advised the Electoral Commission that it would be cheaper and more secure into using the list of registered users in Safaricom as the official voters roll, meaning that Pius Muiru wins the 2012 election with Esther Arunga as PM and VP since Muiru is the real fingers.

4. Yu is acquried by Kencell/Celtel/Zain/Bharti and their 3000 customers finally give Zain a true 1,000,000 customers. Their 1,000,000th customer is Rene Meaza who finally admits he had a Safaricom line all this time.

5. Paul Kukubo becomes the Director General at the CCK replacing Mr Waweru. Kukubo thus gaining a 5% chance of relevance once again in the tech scene since he is adamant about changing the landscape. He regulates all mobile providers into using Safaricom green for their marketing and corporate colours and further mandates that all other networks must sell 10 Safaricom sim cards to sell one of their own. For Christmas, gava suffers a scandal and losses 100k shillings of donor money, diverts the funds, and buys him a half a front tooth to give him a full set.

6. Kibaki remembers he is a man, and a President and that sometime this year, we have number portability coming up and to save himself the agony of coming out of bed, hustles Waweru into effecting, thus changing the landscape of mobility permanently. Ofcourse Kibaki could cut off his head and walk around like a headless chicken and the government might actually perform better. Who knows.

7. Raila expels suspends himself from government. Even from a roof with a rope could work. I don’t know why, but this would make my phone work better, I just know it. Maybe its the hair dye.

8. A 100% Kenyan owned non government organization made up of under 40 year old nerds, geeks, business peoples and hot chicks are granted a 3G licence to launch their own local mobile network without outside investors financed by local money. The network has fixed everything, makes sense and works. To show that we can do it.

9. Government get serious, fires Vodafone and buys them out and sells Safaricom to the Somali Pirates, Daniel Toroitich Arap Moi, Nicholas Biwott, George Saitoti and Brother Paul Pattni. Chairman of the board is Ferdinand Waititu who is given an glass office as official professional help for throwing stones. Safaricom them moves office to Embakasi to cut down costs and forces JKIA to relocate to Athi River since they obscure Waititu’s view of the National Park. Waititu later declares that all residents of his constituency use Safaricom, bringing the subscriber base to 1 billion people.

10. I have just one day of peace where my phone works perfectly. Just one.

Are you a student or someone looking for some part time work, endowed with eloquence of the tongue, know how to spot another purple cow, and can play the fiddle with you toes, basically, are you tech savvy and well written? We are looking for a website editor who can edit and rewrite articles for a small upcoming website. We have been asked by the client to generate a list of finalists. This is a part time job of about 4 - 5 hours a day, and not a full time role. Details of remuneration will be discussed with the site owners (I swear its not my site). We are only managing the CV end of things.

Email your CV to kahenya (a) gmail (dot) com by 26th Feb 2009 including a cover letter saying why you think you should get the job.

Original Article Here

Article On Daily Nation Website and on my Pro Blog

Wait for a cut down version (part 2) in Africa Review.

In a country desperate for more investment in new ventures, where majority of populations live in dire poverty, emerging technologies are some of the best ways to empower people into reinvesting in their lives, into their futures, giving them hope and direction. New technologies usually tend to be cheaper and create a lot more value and ability in ones hands. So you would imagine those entrusted with leading the country would be enablers in this aspect. Sadly not. Behind the smiles and suits is a sad mendacity. Portrayed in all caveats of government. However, the immediate concern, media and communication. Hereby entrusted to the Ministry of Information. Permanent Secretary here, Bitange Ndemo. The second aspect is that the regulation of Communication and Broadcasting is managed by The Communication Commission Of Kenya (CCK). The Director General is Charles Njoroge. And finally there is Safaricom. Run by Michael Joseph.

These three proponents have decided the fate of the future of mobile broadband in Kenya and sadly, consumers do not have any say in this matter or even any foreseeable benefit into the future, but only take what is dished out to them, no matter how unfair it is. In a country desperate for advances in technology and infrastructure, we find the government is the greatest and sometimes only hindrance to development. By poor regulatory frameworks and advice and the ever missing funds issue. And one can almost imagine why. First, we have a bloated government, which the country obviously cannot afford to keep running, so the government has to tap into each and every cash cow they have and bleed it dry. Legal or not. And while they are at it, gag the media. The assumption, if no-one talks about it, it did not happen. Woe unto Kenyans. The same Kenyans who will complain about not being able to get a half working mobile service. Here is a good example. If you have been on a call on Safaricom, and the call drops, CCK is supposed to respond to this issue and tell Safaricom to pick up the quality of their service. How many dropped calls have you had this year? And last year? What has changed? And here is more practical example. If you are a prepaid customer on Safaricom, have you tried calling the helpline? 100? Do you know why you don’t get through? Where is the CCK in all this? Instead of worrying about the consumer, they are busy censoring the “big bad evil” media. Agreed, the media is not made up of Saints, but don’t fool yourself into thinking the government is proverbial Host Angel. After all, the government does have a lot of skeletons in its closet, and sometimes some Ministers will pray that the media doesn’t find them.

So let us stick to the main point. The main focus here is Mobile Broadband. I don’t think the hard stance taken by the CCK and PS Bitange Ndemo is beneficial for Kenyans. Its serves no real benefit to the common citizen. Who it is intended for. Instead of rapidly adopting the technologies to meet certain goals, like Vision 2030, or X% of Internet connectivity by a certain period in a specific region, the government decides not to look at creative solutions and ignore any targets. Well creative for their pockets. Not ours. But if you were the government and you had a shareholding in Safaricom, would you want to make it easy for your competitors? The CCK has not done a single thing in ensuring Safaricom delivers quality services. Despite their numerous announcements on quality issues, Safaricom still has numerous numbers of calls dropped, and still has the most impossible to reach Customer Service Department I have experienced anywhere in the world. Far worse than the knowledge deprived staffers at Orange who can incidentally solve every problem you don’t have. The CCK (an arm of the government), regulating communication, in which it has a company in there? Then abuse this system, and blame the media saying that they cannot regulate themselves. Conundrum? Conundrum!

I was criticized heavily yesterday, but you need to look behind the smoke screen and start asking yourself what the numbers add up to. If Bitange Ndemo is as progressive as some people say he is, what possible reason and excuse can he come up with on why he would refuse to take and create an alternative solution for the other service providers? If Safaricom is so up to its game, then it should be able to withstand and beat the competitors hands down on 3G or any other services. But they can’t. So, any competitive threat, like number portability, is not really welcome. Michael Joseph said he though portability would be too expensive to implement. So? I don’t recall him being the CEO or spokesman for the CCK. Fair point. It might be expensive. But it benefits Kenyans not Safaricom, so the only say he had on that one, was, that he hopes it is implemented well. If other countries have done it, I don’t see what is so special about the landscape in Kenya that makes is so expensive or impossible. And coming from a recession, I can imagine raising US$ 25 million would be tough, especially to venture in a competitive market (in appearance) which is ideally a monopolistic one. And since the Prime Minister has made all claims that he is so close and at one time even related to US President Barack Obama, with similar leadership traits and what not, I hope he realises that the Obama Administration put in the same situation might create a slightly different solution that stimulates the economy and benefits the citizens. But, he is much rather busy looking at 2012, guised behind trees and ODM.

Kenyans, wake up. There are no rehearsals here. There is no-one coming to help you except you. Definitely not your politicians. This is a 3rd World Country. In a very 3rd World Africa. You live in a 3rd World country. You are amongst the poorest of the poorest. You need to apply for a visa (and pray you get it) for you to leave the 3rd World and be a part of the future you think you see rolling down in sleek Toyota Corolla Dream 90 inherited from a relative who couldn’t sell it. Your leaders are robbing you blind and silly. There is no room in this country or continent for monopolistic regulations. And there is no time. We need to get up and start developing our country to benefit us. Not the government. The government does not care about you. The care about themselves. They are enriching themselves. Not you.

Original Publish Date: Nov 25rh 2009 2.24 PM (Damn I’m late)

“And I been getting high just to balance out the lows” - Drake

Disclaimer: No sense of humour, go fuck yourself. I am not asking you to participate or indulge in anything that will get you nicked, but if you do get nicked, shut the fuck up. Kids, don’t try this shit at home. Adults, don’t try this at home either. You got kids and they will know you know how to get high. Girls, don’t try this at your home. Try it in my home.

1. You get high - Errr no brainer. And this is the best fucking thing to do errr short of fucking. Now combine getting high and getting ass, you have a wonderful fucking time

2. Sex is better on weed - Trust me, you will not be able to ever convince a stone sober or drunk chick to do half the shit you do when you are on weed. Serious. Everything just seems so magnified and calm.

3. Cause Bob Marley said so - And he sang like a couple of thao tracks regarding this shit and you think I would say no to wisdom?

4. Its cheap - Return on your investment in weed is much much higher than on alcohol. Check this out, you drink 10 beers at the average 120 bob per beer and you have to wait 3 hours average to get drunk. Thats a cool 1200.00 bob and many of us are known to bed a crate easy. Now if you smoke 1200.00 bob worth of weed in one sitting you will go mad (a common side effect that we will ignore in this demonstration). A good weedy evening ends up costing around 200 bob for you and a friend.

5. Its a great way to meet people - Serious, weed friends always make an impression on your life. And remember that saying, “a friend with weed is a friend indeed”? Like the dealer, you cannot forget his face, he owns your life in 12cm. You are his bitch. Bend over and take it. The cop who nicks you, he owns your life in two bracelets. You get to meet people who will influence your life’s decisions forever. And ever.

6. Treehuggers love you - This is not a myth. All the treehuggers I know are stoners well, maybe except the lion kisser (link withheld), and all treehuggers are hot and athletic. 1 + 1 = 2, so yes, u can easily get a treehugger girlfriend or boyfriend, and if you are a stoner and he/she wil most likely be a stoner.

7. You are die-proof - Yup, you cannot die from smoking weed. You cannot OD. You haven’t heard anyone dying of smoking weed? Well, you can die from being stupid and weed makes you stupid, both short term and long term. Short term, you jump of a bridge assuming you are superman. Long term, the brain cells burn out slowly and by the time you are 900, you are senile like a maafaka. But its cool. By the time you hit 70, you will probably be on so many drugs, you will be burning the same amount of brain cells anyway, so you might want to take the scenic route.

8. You have very funny friends - I live in a house with a gecko and occasionally get some ass to come and play with the gecko and me. When the ass plays with the weed, the gecko turns into a dinosaur and sounds like George Bush wearing Osama’s turban. Occasionally, Gandhi and Pope John Paul II visit from the afterlife and well, with surprising effects. Unlike the standards if weed mellowing you out, Gandhi has become very aggressive, has dreadlocks and is dating Marilyn Monroe. John Paul II hasn’t changed much, except he swears a lot. A serious lot.

Since weedheads procrastinate, I did not quite get to finish this post. I started writing it on November 25th. Sad. Since I don’t swear anymore, I won’t finish this post.

Maybe this might be tribalistic, I don’t know but I believe that if you come from a certain local region, it only makes sene to invest in your local community before anywhere else. If all you see in this post with is tribalism, well, tough. As far as I know, Luos are fish experts, Maasai and Samburu deal with cows and goats, Indians and Kikuyus are shrewd business men, Mombasa guys are tourism experts blah blah blah…

I heard a tale of two men who won a million shillings (arbitrary figure). The one man was a Kikuyu and the other a Luo. The Luo man went and built a house bought the latest electronics and lived like a king for 5 years. Then the money run out and he was left selling his property one by once. The Kikuyu man spent each and every year trying to figure out how to double the amount of money.

There is a very funny triangle going on in Nyanza province that I believe Luos can solve locally. I have met quite a lot of Luo folks asking me what they can invest in and which stock the should buy and what tech businesses they put their money in. Now to be honest, since Obama became President, some Luo folk became his cousin and others automatically and unrealistically raised their level of living. Obama himself might be rudely surprised to find a cousin of his earning less than 10k driving a Merc. So they won’t do any dirty work. In a Skunkworks talk I gave last year, I mentioned that a lot of people did not want to do dirty jobs. Everyone wants to be tech this and tech that but not a fisherman. Well there is a lot of money in lakeside fish but the originals from lakeside have let the Indians and Kikuyu carve the market up from them. The problem is not with the supply of fish. Its with the storage. If you want to make money from fish, all you need is a cold room. Thats where the money is. Fish will always be in the lake. Customers will always want fish. The transition is the problem. Now most cold rooms in Kisumu are owned by Indians or Kikuyus and I am yet to find one that is owned by a lakeside original brother. And the other non-local individuals decide the prices because they know that the fishermen will not have choices but to deal with them.

You want to invest lakeside, forget building flats or hotels or electronic shops or supermarkets, invest in a cold room and undercut everyone else. You will kill it.